Neither Hair, Nor There

January 10, 2010 at 1:16 pm | Posted in Bhery Phunny, How To - DIY Guides | 43 Comments
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Ques. A four letter word that starts with H, ends with R and rhymes with ‘duck’?

Ans. Hair.

 

Now you know the reason why my career as a quizmaster came to an abrupt end. But this post isn’t about me. It is about that four letter word which has perplexed me the most in the twenty something years of my existence. It is about Hair. 

Think about it.

It is a strange thing.

You either can’t have enough of it or you don’t want it at all. Mostly you want just the right amount of hair. You will go to any length to get the right haircut even if it means paying gargantuan amounts of money that could otherwise fund all the poor kids featured in Slumdog Millionaire for the rest of their lives.

But you don’t want it in the wrong places. It has this peculiar habit of showing up in wrong places. Like ex-boyfriends and nosey relatives.

Then there is facial hair. Most Men want. All Women don’t. But both sexes can’t do without the eyebrows – which technically speaking -  is facial hair.

Then there are strands emerging from your ears and nose and you know, rest of your body. And you don’t want them. (unless you are a railway minister or someone with a weird hair fetish).

Then there are other parameters like color, buoyancy, strength, terminal velocity, coefficient of viscocity, Shehnaz Hussein’s Number and other mindboggling parameters. Add to this gazillion advertisements telling you to color your hair, dye it, wash it, dry it, rip it off, show it, hide it – it is chaos.

 

I am sure that worrying about hair is the leading cause of anxiety in men and women. Don’t believe me? Type ‘How to grow’ in Google and see for yourself:

 

Clearly majority Indians are more worried about Hair than *ahem* other organs.

That isn’t surprising. We as a country are obsessed with ‘Ghane mulayam kale baal, khile khile matwale baal’. Decades have gone by and still the girl with the longest, darkest and shiniest hair(wig rather) gets the elusive lift from the handsome hunk, in the advertisement.

We haven’t grown out of this follicle fixation. Look at Bollywood for example.

Q. If Vin Diesel or Bruce Willis were born in India, what role would they have got in Bollywood?

A. They’d be Bodyguards.

 

Yes. No action hero, no superhero, not even a sidekick. A measly body guard. Because in Bollywood, if you don’t have hair, you either end up being a body guard or a villain.

Come to think of it, bald bodyguards are perhaps the worst stereotypes. Even worse than Mother-in-laws and Suraj Barjatya’s families. Harsh comparison, I know, but I have photographic evidence to support this stupid theory.

But that is how we’ve treated our follically challenged men. So in Hollywood where bald (mostly) stands for tough guy/action hero, in Bollywood, the bald men are restricted to being notorious villains and fed with cheesy lines in non-cheesy movies.

 

Remember Shetty ?– the rogue guy sans hair – who sent a chill down the leading lady’s spine just by looking at her.

 

The guy who, despite being stronger and more ruthless, had to lose in the penultimate fight to a hero almost half his bodyweight. Dharam ji would dance around trees, sing a few songs and still defeat Shetty, a villain who has worked hard, all his life, to be this bad.

Doesn’t sound fair, does it? But that is what the director and the audience wanted. I mean, who’d have paid to watch Shetty dance around trees and wooing the girl. No hair = no girl. Simple.

This didn’t change much. One look at Shakaal – the bald baddie played by Kulbhooshan Kharbanda – and you’ll know how bald characters were sketched. I mean, here is this fellow, Undesirable  no.1 and owner of an island. Yes. Island, with tunnels and bunkers and helipads. And a chamber that has sharks in a green tank and crocodiles beneath, who keep ogling at your legs like coolies, at any railway station, ogle at Gujju families.

No kidding. This isn’t Austin Powers that we are talking about. This is a serious movie, action packed Bollywood Bond-wannabe flick.

But Shakaal isn’t your everyday villain. He has this chill about him, parts of which emanated from his shiny scalp. Shakaal loved his scalp, kept scratching it once in a while *which gives immense pleasure let me tell you, from personal experience.. almost orgasmic*

 

I can haz no dandruff

Now imagine this movie with a Bald Amitabh Bacchan and Shakaal with flowing hair. Difficult eh? I thought so.

Or the immortal – “Yeh thappad ki goonj suni tumne, jailor?”

 

 Hair-weaving for dummies: Don’t try this at home

There is nothing as scary as a bald baddie.

Or maybe there is.

 

<digress>

</digress>

 

But then, later on, the bald bad men became a mockery of the terror they used to be thanks to Bob Christo and several others. They were reduced to mere pieces for that one prized scene where a bird would bomb some poop on their shiny head.

 

These days bald men are reduced to portly good fellows in Bollywood. They either go the Alok Nath way by becoming ever-cringing fathers or the Saurabh Shukla way of character roles. The only tough guy on television, who is nearly bald, and stands out for his daredevilry and genius is – ACP Pradyuman.

 

 

Since I’ve run out of examples, let us go back to the point.

Look at Vin Diesel. Chicks dig him. He gulps beer like gummy bears douse gummy juice. He drives cars like crazy in a country where you get a parking ticket for illegal parking. And he doesn’t have any hair. On his head.

Bruce Willis, Jason Statham, Patrick Stewart, Kevin Spacey(almost bald that is) – the list goes on.

Bollywood pales in comparison. We as a nation and as one of the ‘largest centres of film production’  in the world have treated our follically-challenged with ignorance and contempt.

  • What about people who haven’t a black strand on their head but can act better than Fardeen Khan with half their face?
  • What about receding hairlines that disappear faster than India’s borders disappear on Google Earth?
  • What about men(and superstars) who visit doctors and hakims to prevent hair-fall so that they can stay in this business?
  • What about people who are reading this post and thinking that this is their story, a tale of their agony?

We need to end this bias towards bald men. Let us treat them in a hu-mane manner. Let them romance the hottest actresses, beat villains(with flowing hair) to pulp. Let them achieve everything their able-haired counterparts have achieved. And beyond.

Amen.

 


Disclaimer: This post is a work of fiction. I have never rallied for any serious cause in my life, let alone the cause of balding men.(Okay, I am lying but don’t take me too seriously). My display pic on Twitter is bald and that on Facebook has flourishing curls, so I belong to both camps.

Also, sexist as this post may sound(thanks to that horrid image of Brit.n.e.y Spears), I sincerely think and feel that hair(and hairfall in general) cuts across gender boundaries.

My knowledge of Bollywood is as extensive as Sarah Palin’s understanding of the effects of China’s policies on the geopolitical climate of Europe. (or so the Facebook quizzes tell me) so any error(factual or otherwise) is deeply regretted, else furiously denied.

Lastly, I love each and every actor mentioned in this post – especially Kulbhushan Kharbanda and Saurabh Shukla – even Bob Christo. I didn’t mention names from regional films because: a) I haven’t seen any regional movies, b) I don’t remember any if I have. If you know more examples, flood the comments section.(flood it anyway).


Trivia:

– This post was started in 2009 and was finished in 2010. Stayed in the drafts longer than any other post.

– I re-wrote this post thrice. Still doesn’t appeal much to me but what the heck.

– Here is an interview of SRK’s Bodyguard in OSO – Rediff Movies

– I verified this Google Suggestions trick everywhere.

– In UK people are more interested in ‘growing weed’ still 3/10 results are about growing hair.

– 4/10 for Google Singapore.

– Google Japan was simple – grow tall, grow weed, grow rice – in that order. On an unrelated note, some people from Japan were looking for ways to train a dragon. I love Japan.

– 1/10 for Australians who were mostly interested in growing strawberries, basil, tomatoes, potatoes, garlic, mushrooms, coriander and ofcourse, weed.

– Google Pakistan wanted to grow all body parts – hair, beard, nails and err.. Lacy Black(read: Breast Cancer).

– Some people from Frances wanted to grow “African” hair. World peace indeed.

– You guessed it right, I don’t have a job, or a life.

 

– Also while fishing for the Shetty screenshot I learned the following:

  • Google search for Shetty keyword is dominated by Raj Kundra’s wife
  • Google related advertisements also show a Shettymatrimony site
  • Then I searched for ‘Shetty villain’ and discovered Memsaab’s blog – one of the best bollywood blogs that I’ve come across. I asked for the pic – yes, I asked for it and didn’t flick it – and she actually egged me on to search for Shetty pics on her blog, and I found some 20 odd pics. Damn you Google.
  • Also, there isn’t any entry about Shetty on Wikipedia or any other site apart from a facebook fan club. Add to this the fact that I didn’t find ‘much’ information about Keshto Mukherjee when I was writing the Daaru Pradesh post. Someone really needs to collect all this data and shove it up Google’s..err.. servers.

– Also here is an articleabout the Bald and the Beautiful in Hollywood

– On a totally random note here is a list of The Hundred Greatest Hair Metal Songs.

– Screenshots have been provided by none other than the Great Sujoy Singhawho blogs at One Knight Standsand wrote his virgin myPFC post recently.

– The Image of ACP Pradyuman has been flicked from – tvshows.sulekha.com – and probably belongs to Sony Entertainment Television.

– I am not sure how many of you know this but I read on the wiki page of CID that it holds a Guinness record for “canning an entire episode of CID in just one single shot of 111 minutes without a single cut.”

– Are you even reading this? Anyway I’ll leave you here, in case you haven’t left me already.


P.S.: Vinod Kambli, if you are reading this, I am very proud of you. Really.

How to make a Yash Raj Film?

July 19, 2009 at 11:12 am | Posted in Bhery Phunny, Chuninda, How To - DIY Guides | 23 Comments
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We just got featured on Blog Adda Blog!

Was watching Pride on Star Movies today when I realized – how Hollywood manages to churn out one good sport movie after another – stories which in essence are similar – in execution completely different. And how we make a Chak De once in a while and rejoice like we just peed on Everest. Which forced me to think, how one of the biggest production houses in India and 27th in the World, churns out formula movies which are essentially crap.

So today we do a DIY on How to make a Yash Raj Film:

How to make a Yash Raj Film?

Follow these steps:

Find a Hero:

1. Choose minimum one and maximum two: Shah Rukh Khan/Saif Ali Khan/Abhishek Bacchan/John Abraham/Ranbir Kapoor/Amitabh Bacchan

1.a If above are not available, Choose one: Hrithik Roshan/Aamir Khan/Akshay Kumar

1.b If nobody is available Choose: Uday Chopra

Find Heroine:

1. Choose one: Preity Zinta/Rani Mukherjee else Choose: Priyanka Chopra/Aishwarya Rai/

1.a If Saif is acting Choose: Kareena Kapoor or someone she is friends with

1.b If Ranbeer is acting Choose: Dipika Padukone

1.c If above are not available Choose: Tanisha

1.d If Tanisha is also not available: Ask Kajol if she’ll do a role

1.e Last resort: Borrow Katrina from Sallu

Find Supporting Actor:

1. Choose one: Bobby Deol/Jimmy Shergill/Arshad Warsi

1.a Else Choose any Tom Dick and Harry and give him a freaky look

Find Supporting Actress:

1. Choose one: Lara Dutta/Bipasha Basu/Minnisha Lamba

1.a Else ask Konkana if she’s free

Music:

1. Find a music director

2. Find four foreign locations to shoot a song

3. Have one song with Bikini

4. Add one family song

5. Add one pub/item song – Ask if Ameesha Patel is working

Dance:

1. Ask Vaibhavi Merchant if she’s not judging any show

1.a Else let anybody do the dance sequence(get someone for Hrithik though)

1.b If Shah Rukh is there, leave it to him – the King always does the same steps anyway

2. Add hundreds of backup dancers in every song so that nobody notices the wrinkles on Preity’s or Bobby’s face

Styling:

1.Add loads of colour

2. Pick at least 40 dresses which show cleavage

3. Add loads of colour to everything even if its a small town crook from UP

4. Get zazzy hairstyles which make Vinay Pathak look gay or Shah Rukh look like a transvestite

Miscellaneous:

1. Add some kids to the story

2. Spend more money on promoting the film than making it

3. Once in a while make an animation film which sucks equally

By the way, did we mention story? Once in a while they actually have one so they make a Chak De or a Kabul Express.

Coming Soon: How to make an Anurag Kashyap movie?


Image Courtesy: Wikipedia via. http://www1.yashrajfilms.com/news/officeshift.htm


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