PMS – Phir Mile Sur

January 27, 2010 at 11:37 pm | Posted in Bhery Phunny, Chuninda, Random Rants | 48 Comments
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Phir Mile Sur is a lot like PMS: Unwanted and painful. Hence the title.


If you were born in the 80s and your parents were rich and kind enough to buy a television, you’ll probably remember Mile Sur Mera Tumhara. You’ll remember growing up and recognizing famous people as ‘oh, they were in that video’. You’ll remember memorizing bits of the song in the languages that you didn’t understand(something you probably did with Diya jale from Dil se). You’ll remember a video which made sense irrespective of whether the day was a national holiday or not.

Cut to 2009.

You’ll wake up one day to the news that some channel took the responsibility of ruining remaking ‘Mile Sur Mera Tumhara’. Thanks to Twitter, you’ll find a number of links to the video. You’ll waste spend 16 minutes of your day watching that video(and another 32 minutes for buffering if you have a lightening-fast connection like I do). And the one thing that’ll come to your mind after this thrilling indulgence is: Why did they do it?

After much deep and profound brain things in my head (and after watching every frame for minutes as the 16 minute long epic buffered), I have discovered the motive behind this video.

What appears to be a tribute to the message of ‘Unity in Adversity Diversity’ is actually a recording of the auditions of a new reality show – So you think you can dance(like Shah Rukh).

my son just told me if u tweet so much u will become a bird. so before i become a bird...lemme go to sleep. love u all...bye bye - @iamsrk

(Edit: Thanks to a crappy internet connection, I didn’t notice that Krish Ashok has already made a much better analogy of this phenomenon. I am leaving this here because too much effort went into this and it’d unfair to ignore it.)

Of course, our choreographers still consider that the only movements of body parts that can show national integration and unity are – spread thy arms wide like Shah Rukh or the adjustments Sachin does while on the cricket field.


Phir Mile Sur Mera Tumhara is fail on so many levels. And I’ll blame only the director for this and none else. I can understand the urge to cast the you-know-whos of bollywood, in an attempt to create an epic video. I can also understand the crappy renditions (and lip sync errors) of a song that is dear to so many of us.

But I refuse to accept the way this video is shot. I once attended a movie making workshop where they taught us 10 ways in which you can ruin a video. PMSMT goes way beyond that. Heck, I’ve seen better Teleshopping commercials.

The cameraman skipped some essential lessons in college.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How does one explain a close up of Bhupen Hazarika which puts the ‘Eye of Sauron’ to shame? Not to mention the shaky vocals.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jajantram Mamantram anyone?

 

Or Sivamani in a tantric avatar?

 

 

 

 

 You've watched Love in Nepal, really? Wow. And Jaani Dushman? Okay.

 

Or Sonu Nigam as a struggling-musician-cum-actor-cum-Aaj-Tak-reporter?

 

 

 

Lions are extinct, right? No? But the producer says so.

 

Or this symbolism-laden Beat-them-lions tabla?

 

 

 

In Pindari, we eat kids.

 

Or Salman doing the Hannibal Lector bit?

 

 

 

 

I can't headbang. Sorry. Am too old for that. Plus this sarod is too frail after that Air India mishap.

Or Camera Angles that turn every stringed instrument player into a rock star?

 

 

 

 

This is the continuum keyboard. Yes. It is about time you googled that.

Or A.R. Rehman juxtaposed against a Solar Water heater? There is a hidden message here somewhere.

 

 

 

 

The Song of India. Hmm. Like The Times of India? That way?

Imma gonna let you finish PMS, but Lata ji’s Vande Mataram will forever be My Song of India.

 

 

 

 


Almost everybody who has come across this video has cursed the makers. But every cloud has a silver lining, so does this video:

Five things that I learned from PMS:

 

1. Aditya Pancholi has an evil twin:

At least the location is good.

I had not read Krish’s post when I first saw this video and I was shocked to find Aditya Pancholi there. Turns out that he is Vikram – Aditya Pancholi’s kumbh-brother.

 

 

 

2. Carrom is the official Old-Age-Home sport:

Can we go in now?

Munna Bhai brought this to the fore and PMS confirms it – Carrom is the official sport for the Old-Age-Homes. And they are always together, out in the garden, on plastic chairs, trying to understand why is this fellow overacting?

 

 

3. Lip-syncing is gender neutral:

If this had been any longer, I'd have roped Farah in too.

In a hurry to squeeze in the Sports and the Defence fellows in the last few minutes of this glamsham video, the director proves that Biachung or KJ singing in a lady’s voice is perfectly normal. Ofcourse it is. No?

 

 

 

4. The Electric Guitar can also run on AA size Batteries:

Arjun Rampal did better than you. Go watch Rock On again. Duffer.

I understand guitars as much as Jacky Bhagnani understands acting and Jugal Hansraj direction. But really, Strings have an amplifier setup in open-air shots. Even Himess does better in Karzzz.

 

 

 

5. We have mastered the Picture-in-Picture Technology:

I have no idea what's going on behind my back.

If James Cameron is the king of 3D animation, we are the leaders in P-i-P technology. So what if it looks terribly cheesy, straight out of those Godzilla movies?

 

 

 


But criticism apart, I actually liked PMS in bits and pieces.

10 Reasons why I liked PMS:

1. No Mallika Sherawat:

Mallika ala re ala.. zara dharti sambhal brijbala..

I was almost expecting Mallika Sherawat to pop up in the video. You know, she is the epitome of patriotism and all. As @abtony observed, she was draped in a US flag on our Republic Day. Not that we are judging her, after all she was the one who introduced Twitter to Indians. Or was it Shashi Tharoor?

 

 

2. A fleeting mention of Sand Art:

iLike.

In a video replete with examples of inherited celebdom, Sudarsan Pattnaik’s (I am assuming it was him) Sand sculptures come as a welcome relief.

 

 

3. No MSD, Sehwag or even Sachin:

Cricket can lift Hockey on its shoulders too. After killing it that is.

For a change, they didn’t include cricketers in a patriotic video. Not that they did justice to other sports, giving stars like Saina a blink-and-you-will-miss role. But the croaky preaching of Sehwag and Dhoni looks good only in Chyavanprash Advertisements. As for Sachin, well, Bal Thakarey would have boycotted the video then, no?

 

 

4. Kids with sensory disability:

This isn't the Amul Macho ad shoot? Damn. Using kids with sensory disability was actually a very good idea. But they had to ruin it with a Salman-is-the-next-MJ routine. In a ragged jeans torn in all the wrong places and a Nirma white baniyaan(even though they were playing football) – Salman is a clear misfit(both ethically and visually)

 

 

5. A fully dressed Shilpa Shetty:

I didn't ask for these mirrors. Ask the producer. The one in the vanity van is big enough.

I had half expected Shilpa Shetty to be in her Rajasthan Royals avatar, wearing a ghaghra choli, doing the Ila arun bit for the country. But marriage and yoga have had their effect on her. Thankfully.

 

 

6. Gurdaas Mann: iLike.

One word. Respect. Not only does he bring the naive punjabi charisma to his bits of the song, he also shows the choreographers that you can express devotion without spreading your arms. Imagine Mika in his place. *shudders*

 

 

 

7. Atul Kulkarni: Aga bai ata kai karayecha aahe?

While the country still equates Marathi culture to Fishermen thanks to decades of stereotyping(thru dhagala lagli kala, aika daaji ba and much more), Atul Kulkarni brings some gravity to the video. Though even he appears clueless, to some extent, as to what is he supposed to do.

 

 

8. No Rakhi Sawant or Rahul Mahajan:

Don't. even. think. about. it.

If TRPs are to be considered, Ms. Sawant and Mr. Mahajan could have been here. Maybe even Vindoo. Because that is what the new India is about. Flash celebrities. Thankfully the video doesn’t stoop to those levels.

 

 

 

9. Deepika Padukone:

They don't have a National award for this?Don’t get me wrong here. Deepika’s contribution to Indian Culture or Brand India is akin to KRK’s contribution to World Cinema. But this sequence reminded me of the Lyril Advertisements, you know. So am giving her some points for induced nostalgia. And she looked less Savita-bhabhi-sh than Ass-worrier Ray.

 

 

10. Zakir Hussein:

iLike.

He is as timeless as his music. or his hairstyle. But I almost expected him to say ‘Wah Taaj’ at the end of it.

 

 

 

 


To quote one Agent Smith, Phir Mile Sur is the sound of inevitability. It is the sound of change. And changed we have.

In 1988 we were talking to the people of the country through Doordarshan. In 2010 we are talking to the world through our movies and our channels. PMS talks of a new India.  Where kids don’t want to be astronauts anymore, they want to be roadies. Where patriotism and jingoism go hand in hand. Where you can sell anything and everything– be it peace or patriotism.

It is unfair to compare PMS with Mile Sur. Mile sur was a fresh concept, a wakeup call of sorts. PMS is a rude reminder, of how times have changed. Mile Sur had characters, Om Puri playing a Punjabi, Kamal Hassan never opened his arms, Arun Lal walked out of a Metro. PMS has celebrities. So everyone is playing themselves. There is no central thought, there aren’t any messages to take. You don’t see the farmer, the mahout, the auto-wallahs and the dabba-wallahs – you see people who endorse soaps and shampoos and bikes. It is pretence in its sweetest avatar. One celebrity at a time.

Has PMS tarnished my memory of Mile Sur Mera Tumhara? No. Thanks to Youtube, it hasn’t. Will I forgive them for making this video? Yes. If I can forgive Ram Gopal Verma for Aag and Himess for Karzzz, I think I’ll forgive them for PMS.

Amen.


P.S.: After reading Krish Ashok’s and MojoRojo’s posts, I was in two minds, whether to go with this post or not. If you haven’t read them till now(which is highly unlikely), go read them. They’ve almost covered everything that could have been said about PMS. You can also read these posts that I came across here, here and here.

Disclaimer: I know the preamble to the Constitution by heart, can recite the Indian pledge without googling and can tell  you the names of Savita Bhabhi’s episodes in chronological order. If that doesn’t make me an Indian, appreciating Phir Mile Sur surely won’t.


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How to make a Yash Raj Film?

July 19, 2009 at 11:12 am | Posted in Bhery Phunny, Chuninda, How To - DIY Guides | 23 Comments
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We just got featured on Blog Adda Blog!

Was watching Pride on Star Movies today when I realized – how Hollywood manages to churn out one good sport movie after another – stories which in essence are similar – in execution completely different. And how we make a Chak De once in a while and rejoice like we just peed on Everest. Which forced me to think, how one of the biggest production houses in India and 27th in the World, churns out formula movies which are essentially crap.

So today we do a DIY on How to make a Yash Raj Film:

How to make a Yash Raj Film?

Follow these steps:

Find a Hero:

1. Choose minimum one and maximum two: Shah Rukh Khan/Saif Ali Khan/Abhishek Bacchan/John Abraham/Ranbir Kapoor/Amitabh Bacchan

1.a If above are not available, Choose one: Hrithik Roshan/Aamir Khan/Akshay Kumar

1.b If nobody is available Choose: Uday Chopra

Find Heroine:

1. Choose one: Preity Zinta/Rani Mukherjee else Choose: Priyanka Chopra/Aishwarya Rai/

1.a If Saif is acting Choose: Kareena Kapoor or someone she is friends with

1.b If Ranbeer is acting Choose: Dipika Padukone

1.c If above are not available Choose: Tanisha

1.d If Tanisha is also not available: Ask Kajol if she’ll do a role

1.e Last resort: Borrow Katrina from Sallu

Find Supporting Actor:

1. Choose one: Bobby Deol/Jimmy Shergill/Arshad Warsi

1.a Else Choose any Tom Dick and Harry and give him a freaky look

Find Supporting Actress:

1. Choose one: Lara Dutta/Bipasha Basu/Minnisha Lamba

1.a Else ask Konkana if she’s free

Music:

1. Find a music director

2. Find four foreign locations to shoot a song

3. Have one song with Bikini

4. Add one family song

5. Add one pub/item song – Ask if Ameesha Patel is working

Dance:

1. Ask Vaibhavi Merchant if she’s not judging any show

1.a Else let anybody do the dance sequence(get someone for Hrithik though)

1.b If Shah Rukh is there, leave it to him – the King always does the same steps anyway

2. Add hundreds of backup dancers in every song so that nobody notices the wrinkles on Preity’s or Bobby’s face

Styling:

1.Add loads of colour

2. Pick at least 40 dresses which show cleavage

3. Add loads of colour to everything even if its a small town crook from UP

4. Get zazzy hairstyles which make Vinay Pathak look gay or Shah Rukh look like a transvestite

Miscellaneous:

1. Add some kids to the story

2. Spend more money on promoting the film than making it

3. Once in a while make an animation film which sucks equally

By the way, did we mention story? Once in a while they actually have one so they make a Chak De or a Kabul Express.

Coming Soon: How to make an Anurag Kashyap movie?


Image Courtesy: Wikipedia via. http://www1.yashrajfilms.com/news/officeshift.htm


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