5 Types of Indian Erotic Story Writers

September 20, 2012 at 5:11 pm | Posted in 10 pointers, Bhery Phunny | 1 Comment
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*Sensitive content. Readers discretion advised. Keep away from children and adults under 18 years of age*

India is to porn what America is to Cricket. From BDSM videos with women hitting each other with brooms to weirder stuff, Indian porn is and has been the ICL of the porn industry. Our ‘We gave the world Kamasutra’ argument has also lost its weight. Vatsayana would have been terribly disappointed with how we’ve handled our intellectual property as far as sex is concerned. Our Indian roots are distinctly visible on our porn sites considering the fact that once upon a time, all Indian porn sites had a maternal/paternal relationship in their title. In a post-DPS-mms India, thanks to camera phones and streaming porn, Indian have rediscovered their ‘Kamasutra’ genes and are constantly contributing to the world of porn, a stronghold of our japanese brethren. Economic development(Thank you, Manmohan ji), mobile phones and cheap internet and Deodorant ads have ushered in an era of erotic reform. No longer is the Indian public holed up in Internet cafes, worried about webcams and police raids. The laptop is the new internet café and surfing porn(and creating it) has never been easier.

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However, during all these years, dismal and promising, Indian erotic stories have been a beacon of hope, the silver lining. From ‘Manohar Kahaniyan’ and naughty digests sold around bus stations to Savita Bhabhi and erotic literature, we’ve come a long long way. But our imagination, fueled by the hindi titles James Headly Chase novels, has resulted into this vast universe of erotic accounts of an ordinary Indian life. So while sex and talking about sex continues to be a taboo topic in the country, the interwebz and blogverse are brimming with imaginative accounts of horny Indians. Thanks to the Poonam Pandeys and naughty ad agencies of the country, the imaginations of these authors are being regularly fuelled and replenished with adult fodder.

But as promising as it sounds, the content that this battery of writers is churning hasn’t evolved as expected. We are as far from good erotica as Nigeria is from world domination. Not only that, our national erotic content has now become homogenous to the extent of classification. Let us look at five kind of erotic story writers who have found a Priyadarshan’s-climax-scene-like formula for erotic stories:

 

– The Traveling Salesman kind:

This is a special variety of erotic story writer whose characters always have sex in public transport. They make out in trains, in buses, aeroplanes, taxis – even Mumbai local trains(Frankly speaking, I did get a lot of action the last time I boarded a Mumbai local train but that wasn’t exactly erotic). So while the rest of the country struggles to have sex even after marriage, this particular kind manages to have coitus with perfect strangers. Not only that, their stories sound like tourism advertisements. Sample these:

– Bus to Hubli

– Trivandrum Super Fast

– Joyful ride to Kolhapur

– RAC Pleasure

– Crowded Chennai Bus

– Thrissur Ernakulam KSRTC Bus Journey

In fact the last one is a search result for people looking for ‘Thrissur Ernakulam KSRTC Bus’.  Now I can understand titles like ‘RAC Pleasure’. Getting a Tatkal ticket is actually orgasmic, even if you get an RAC. But ‘Crowded Chennai Bus’ is simply taking it too far. I am glad they didn’t mention bus numbers – Hot ride on 19B, Sizzling journey on 21H. In their stories, these guys are always achieving the impossible: Having sex under shawls, in train bathrooms(where even your bladder refuses to perform the necessary tasks), on the last seats of a bus. For them, even the sky is not the limit.

 

 

 

– The Pinnochio

The Pinnochios are the worst of the lot. They lie. What do they lie about? Sizes.

A male protagonist in a Pinnochio’s story will have a  manhood the size of the Grand Trunk road. The female lead will have the figures that’d put Barbie dolls to shame. These guys will subtly introduce the size of the organ in a sentence. Be it a mild nudge like – ‘and I took out my tool(11 inches of it)’  – or more direct approach – ‘my 27.6 inch organ was waiting to be introduced’, size is an integral part of their story. In fact they dedicate the first few paragraphs of their story to generating combinations of variants of 36-24-36. Then they’ll casually throw in references to the size once in a while, more than the number of times you’ll find ‘Global Exposure’ in an IIPM ad. If their accounts were to be believed, India’s under-garment ergonomics would need major restructuring. Their stories sound like God used a CNC machine to carve their organs. No wonder half of them call it ‘My tool’.

 

 

– The TMI guy:

The TMI(TOO MUCH INFORMATION) guy writes about everything but sex. His erotic story can include anything from socio-political commentary to the list of apps on his smartphone. These guys believe that the Right To Information act stands for providing as much information as possible in a story. Sample this:

“I was little poor in Mathematics even though I got 87.5 marks for S.S.L.C.”

“That deep navel was my weakness after watching the film Rathinirvedam, which is released in 1978,many years before my birth.”

“I got lot of good boys and girl friends every one was very much fond of scientific thoughts in medicine as we disscus in our lessure time. I found most of my boy friends are interested in doing experiments in female body they always read books related to femenine body experiments by scientist in old ages ”

“Now, an 11KV current is going through my body”

“While we were going around in that big compound, she used to pick jasmine flowers from the bottom of a jasmine tree”

“I had three aunts, who have 2 daughters each so, I had 6 sisters-in-law all are of my age group. 4 of them from north India and 2 from Andhra whose names are priyanka, neha, pooja, Kajal, sridevi and sriya (all names changed”

Their stories are like the print version of an Ashutosh Govarikar movie. Or that really long sms you had to scroll through only to discover a sad joke at the end.

 

– The Shake-spheres and Subhash Ghais:

Shake-spheres are closet playwrights. Their stories are actually full length plays with acts and characters. Each character is often disguised as an alphabet(for privacy concerns ofcourse). So their stories sound a lot like alphabet sex. Sample:  ‘While B stood in a corner watching us, I pulled A into bed’. Their stories are the most unreadable because by the time you’ve learned the names of the characters, the story ends.

Subhash Ghais, on the other hand, write very engaging stories. Alternatively known as The Emoticons, the Subash-Ghais have a thing for drama and enunciation. Their stories are so articulate, you can almost hear them. It is like a transcript of a phone-sex session. Popular words include ‘oooh’, ‘aah’, ‘umm’, ‘uiiii’, ‘uff’ with numerous variations by capitalization and adding vowels. On certain occasions, regional words are also employed to indicate unity in diversity.

 

– The Analogist:

Contrary to what you are thinking, Analogists are people who come up with brilliant analogies while describing an act of sexual intercourse or features of the human body. Their analogies may not be as awesome as the 25 Worst Analogies Ever, but they come really close. Really, really close.

Sample these:

– “Oh, Balu! It is big like a big ping-pong ball”

– “Something smelt like cooked rice water”

– “You are slim and your complexions are superb like a mixture of milk and vermilion”

– “..like a flag between his thighs”

– “Her innocence was like `Sridevi’ in the movie `Sadma’….”

– “The girls walked and moved like athletic girls, not girly girls”

– “Her nose is the classic Indian nose, with a hump like a fertile camel”

– “The blade like sharpness of the situation eased and I took the benefit”

– “Heather’s body moved like a female gymnist in slow motion”

– “Like the bisector which our teacher taught it had a channel which was dark between her triangle”

– “Both of them cuddeled up like spoons”

– “thigh shining like a polished granite surface”

– “They were looking like 2 antennas on her lovely melons”

– “With his erect c**k standing like the leaning tower of Pisa”

– “were almost 50% out of my tiny wet bra and could be clearly seen like daylight

– “All I could see was her outline, like a shadow in the darkness”

– “she looked at me like a deer startled by headlights”

 

While feminine organs are mostly compared with fruits and vegetables, the male ones end up being compared with mechanical objects. In fact, breasts have been compared to a strange assortment of things like Coconut, Mango, Peach, Grape, Peanut, Mid-sized Papaya, Button, Sky Scraper, Hills and Mountains, Pyramid etc. Occasionally, there is a wildlife reference too – “Her breasts were like two small hare” or “They were looking like tigers & tigress arousing each other”

You can also tell the occupation or hobby of the writer from some stories. For example, this guy – “as she played my **** like a fine old violin” – has some musical inclination. You can also identify that majority of these stories are written by engineers when you read comparisons like:

– “..simultaneously between my fingers like fine-tuning the knob to regulate the level of mechanism of her motion”

– “He uses it like a pneumatic drill”

– “The soft, warm skin was like an electro-magnet”

– “I was pumping like a steam engine.She was now making noise like Ha! Ha! Ha! with each of my mighty push”

Khurmi-Gupta has never been put to better use.

 

So that’s the Indian Erotic stories in a nutshell. These categories can overlap and you may find all the five types together in one story. You may also wonder why there isn’t a category called ‘The Grammar Gandu’ or ‘Da Shahid Kapoor’. That’s because like the owner of this blog, most erotic story writers falter when it comes to grammar and spellings. For example:

“All of my two sisters were married”

“….where she held my face tightly and released first organism”

“My balls were about to cum.”

“My coke of 7 inches simply erected like a big pole”

But with Word Power Made Easy making its way into every Indian household and Twitter users becoming grammar nannies, things are set to improve.

Between the downfall of Orkut and Savita Bhabhi ditching the open-source(read: free) model, the world of erotic indian stories is all set to blossom as more and more people participate in this literary revolution, to express their wildest fantasies and in the process make fraandsheep with hotandyoung23@yahoo.com. Here’s wishing them best of luck and rhyming words.


Disclaimer: In the words of G.Khamba – ‘No bed sheets were stained in the process of writing this post’. However an erotic story was discovered where the protagonist is called ‘Shantanu’. Palm, meet Face.

 

 

Nominees for Nobel Peace Prize 2010

October 17, 2009 at 10:59 pm | Posted in 10 pointers, Bhery Phunny | 64 Comments

Disclaimer: All in good humor(or something like it)


Well, the Nobel Peace Prize for the year 2009 has gone to Barack Obama. Congratulations to him! Hillary Clinton has also accepted the fact that she should have tried harder for the presidential seat. And in a few months, the move to nominate the candidates for 2010 will begin.

We at TGAT, being the good samaritans that we are, have prepared a list of nominees for the Peace prize of 2010 and will soon forward the same to the committee. Here we give you a sneak peek into our list.

Feel free to add your candidates in the comment box, this list will undergo a revision on Christmas eve, once we get the good deeds invoice for these candidates from the North Pole.

1. Bappi Lahiri

Bappi da is the unanimous choice for the Nobel Peace Prize(and no he didn’t bribe us).

In these times of recession, Bappi da sets an example of courage by donning gold ornaments by hundreds. Rumour has it that Bappi da secretly donated gold to Cibola, the city of Gold.

All that glitters is not Bappi Lahiri – said an old monk once.

Bappi da is also an apostle of unity in diversity and has copied songs from almost all genres and countries thus bringing world music together. He and Pritam(a nominee for 2011 we promise) have done a remarkable service to the global music industry by plagiarizing songs by dozens.

Infact, Nicholas Cage’s next movie – National Treasure 3: The Hunt for the Walking Treasure is about finding Bappi Da who has been kidnapped by Al Fayeda, a dacoit outfit founded by Chaalis Chor of Ali Baba and Chaalis Chor fame.

Famous quotes: Hamara sab kuch gold ka hai

Keeping in mind his contribution to world music, hope in the times of recession and making Mithun Da the super-hero that he is, we nominate Bappi Da for the Nobel Peace Prize.

2. Sania Mirza

Sania Mirza is India’s answer to Rafael Nadal Maria Sharapova. When she is not playing Tennis, she’s busy empowering the Indian Women by selling TVS Scooty, making Tata Tea or selecting the color of her nose ring.

Sania is one of the major influences why a large number of girls are playing tennis in India (and a larger number of guys are watching it). She also showed her belief in the institution of marriage by marrying pretty early in her career, much to the chagrin of followers and stalkers.

But more than any of her personal achievement, Sania has contributed to the world peace movement by not throwing her racket even once in her tournaments. She never abused a line man/woman and didn’t threaten shove a tennis ball down anyone’s throat.

Despite being in severe pressure to perform, act in commercials and attend press conferences, she has never threatened the line umpires. Neither has she attacked any of the India TV and Aaj Tak reporters who always follow her to grab some controversial byte.

For her peaceful methods of protests and her commendable calm on the tennis court, we forward her name for the Nobel Peace Prize.

3. Arnab Goswami and Rajdeep Sardesai

Arnab and Rajdeep might belong to rival channels but their contribution to the world peace movement is immense.

Their concept of peace is simple –  Monotribe

Monotribe is a complex compound made from 3 parts diatribe and 1 part dialogue and which is disguised in the form of a monologue.

Their modus operandi is similar:

Bring a fire-breathing, thesaurus-spitting, opinionated-yet-confused celebrity/politician in a talk show – and don’t let them speak.

If you think this is an easy task, think again. It takes tremendous effort, exceptionally strong vocal cords, two bodyguards on the set, written permission from the NMS, a real-time speech editing software which converts all words resembling ‘Bombay’ to ‘Mumbai’ and much much more.

This and numerous other achievements(including a particular interview with a sentence like, ‘Can you look into my eyes and say it?’) make them a contender for World’s most coveted Peace prize.

4. Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley and JK Rowling

J K Rowling missed the Nobel prize for literature because she admitted in a press conference that Dumbledore is gay but she and her valiant trio deserve the Nobel Peace Prize.

If you are wondering why, here are some statistics:

a. No. of Words in Harry Potter books:

    1. Philosopher’s Stone– 76,944 words
    2. Chamber of Secrets – 85,141 words
    3. Prisoner of Azkaban – 107,253 words
    4. Goblet of Fire – 190,637 words
    5. Order of the Phoenix – 257,045 words
    6. Half-Blood Prince – 168,923 words
    7. Deathly Hallows – 204,796 word

b. Total No. of Pages: Approx. 4175

In these staggering volumes of sentences and stories, plots and sub-plots, kisses and tales of goats and more – Never once did the trio utter the Killing Curse.

Imagine the scenario: The Dark Lord is out there to kill this poor kid, all through seven books and eight movies and the dark lord ends up dead. But Harry Potter and his two best friends never, and we repeat for useless emphasis, never ever utter the killing curse.

Where else can you find a greater message of peace? When all around you, your family, your friends and your enemies are using the killing curse – these valiant three survive without using the ultimate weapon – the killing curse.

We must give them the Nobel Peace prize to teach countries a lesson – that just because you have nuclear weapons doesn’t mean that you have to use them.  You can go for peaceful methods of winning wars – like exchanging stupid politicians or by a shoe-throwing competition. The one that hits, wins the war. Or something like that. Why blow each other up?

Thus this committee forwards the names of Harry James Potter, Hermione Jean Granger, Ronald Bilius "Ron" Weasley and J K Rowling for the Nobel Peace Prize nominees.

5. A.Q. Khan

Now, this is controversial. Not many will agree with us when we nominate Dr. A. Q. Khan for the Nobel Peace Prize. But a little reasoning will see us through.

There are some men, who are misunderstood. And then there are some men who are grossly misunderstood. For example, Mr. Alfred Nobel. He invented the dynamite so that he can later invent the Nobel Peace Prize. Because you first invent the disease and then the antidote.  On the same lines lies the genius of Dr. A. Q. Khan.

Dr. Khan’s mission of peace is – Give nuclear weapons to all countries – by all we also mean countries like Vatican City, Monaco, Maldives, Malta, Barabados and others like Nuaru, Tuvalu, Liechtenstein, Palau(yes, these are countries) – nuclear weapons for all. Santa comes to town, baby!

How does this help Peace? Well, look at it this way – Now every country has a nuclear weapon, so nobody will use it. Come on, you never hit your neighbour if he has the same baseball bat that you have. You never threaten your wife with money if she is earning too. On the same lines, once everybody has a nuclear weapon, it becomes common. Like a washing machine or an iphone.

This brings the nuclear hullabaloo to rest. Nobody cares. Keep your weapons to yourself – We have Rakhi Sawant. And what greater peace than peace of mind. Now George Bush can sleep because there ARE weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. And Pakistan. And India. And every other country. Who knows, there must be a few on the moon too.

And come on, if we can give a Nobel Prize to Yasser Arafat and a nomination to Adolf Hitler, Dr. Khan more than deserves a nomination.

Q.E.D

6. Manmohan Singh:

To be fair, we included Dr. Manmohan Singh’s name because there were no politicians on our list. And looking at the previous winners of the Nobel Peace Prize, you have a better chance of winning if you are a politician(more if you are a secretary of state or a president).

Prize or no prize, Dr. Manmohan Singh is an apostle of peace. Sample this:"

  • Pakistan returns our dossiers for inquiry on 26/11 once every week but he is still at peace.
  • China will soon claim that Lakshadweep, Andaman and Nicobar and even Sri Lanka belongs to it but he is still at peace.
  • The US is playing ping pong of fraandsheep with India and he is still at peace.
  • Indians are being roughed up in Australia and Foreigners are being raped and abused in India but he is at peace.

Can you be more peaceful than that? The only time he lost his cool was when Mr. Advani shouted slogans against him from adsense banners all over the internet. But we’ll ignore that ‘mild’ outburst of his because even while replying to Mr. Advani, Dr. Singh was mild and peaceful.

Who can deserve it more than Dr. Manmohan Singh, we say?

7. Ev and Biz

It is high time that the Nobel Peace prize was awarded to a geek. We demand an explanation as to why there isn’t a category for Nobel Prize for software or Nobel Prize for hardware?

Since there was no Windows 3.11(and no BSoDs) during Alfred Nobel’s time, we’ll not question his will. What we can do is nominate geeks to the other Nobel Prizes. For example, Apple was nominated for the Nobel prize for Literature for writing the Ipod Nano 4th Generation User Guide(which co-incidentally forgets to mention the video formats compatible with the device).

But Ev and Biz truly deserve the Nobel Peace Prize for creating Twitter.

Now before you begin your I-love-facebook-twitter-sucks-bigtime-will-you-fraandsheep-me-i-will-shove-a-failwhale-up-your-you-know-what tirades against twitter, Sample this:

Where else will you find a better bitching, cribbing, mud-slinging, thong-hurtling platform to share your opinion?

What better way to complain about everything that is wrong with the world(and forget everything that is wrong with you)?

Just protect your updates, don’t accept requests from people you know(your boss or your wife for exmple) and there you go – crib away to glory!

Twitter is actually responsible for a lot of peace in the world. You hate your boss, tweet this and that gets retweeted five times. Now you feel happy that six people hate your boss and in your happiness you forget that your boss just screwed you in the latest performance appraisal. But you are happy – Twitter makes people happy.

Add to it nude bots, teeth whitening bots, bots who retweet you unconditionally and you have a whole new life!

And then when your social life is being affected by twitter a DDoS attack or a failwhale comes across to tell you – enough twittering for a while, loser! Get a life.

Twitter is the answer to everything!

*The End*


You may also like to have a look at How to win a Nobel Peace Prize?

Image Credits:

Bappi Da in Gold
Arnab for PM!!!
Rajdeep in full glory
Sania Mirza in that cheeky tshirt
JKR with the Harry, Ron and Hermione
Mr. A. Q. Khan

Indian Railways special: Traveling with a kid guide!

April 10, 2009 at 5:32 am | Posted in 10 pointers | 1 Comment
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Here are 10 things to remember in case you are traveling with the Indian Railways(especially in the Sleeper Coaches – the non-AC ones) and there is a kid in the compartment –

  1. Play with the kid but keep your glasses, mobile phone and your keys out of his/her reach.. also keep that book you JUST bought out of their reach.. Kids just LOVE books and not because they like to read them.. but because tearing pages sounds so much fun..!
  2. Keep water and napkins around – kids love to smear all kinds of things..
  3. If you happen to click their photos – be prepared to have your mobile phone snatched by their parents.
  4. Have your snacks and food when the kid is looking away or sleeping, to prevent being stared at with hungry, cute eyes..!
  5. Be ready to launch a quest for your shoes/slippers -kids love to run away with them!
  6. Be prepared to tolerate his/her Mom/Dad’s thrashing up the kid for messing with your stuff – when they didn’t prevent kid from doing it in the first place. Or be prepared to fight with them to spare the rod and spoil the kid.!
  7. Get ready for nocturnal or early morning visits to your berth – kids love to play hide and seek when you are trying desperately to catch some sleep..!
  8. Be prepared to wake up just when you dozed off – kids cry at odd hours and for odd reasons!
  9. Be ready for all sorts of noises, smells and sights.. ALL.!
  10. Have a pen and paper ready to jot down the adventure(or your mobile/PDA/laptop/whatever!)

Disclaimer: Let it be known that I simply adore kids… and this post is written in good, genuine humor, after traveling in the vicinity of one of the naughtiest kids I had ever seen..!

In the course of composing this post, my wallet and comb disappeared from my jeans, and I would not have noticed it till the wallet in the kid’s hand seemed vaguely familiar!

And here is the pic of one of the cutest kids I met on one of my journeys –
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