Daaru Pradesh – Gawd’s Own State

December 13, 2009 at 3:14 pm | Posted in Bhery Phunny, Comic-giri | 73 Comments
Tags: , , , , , ,

Different people want different things. Harman Baweja wants a hit film.China wants Arunanchal Pradesh. My neighbour wants a new wife. Tiger Woods wants some privacy. Everybody wants something.

I want a state.

Yes, a state.

I want Daaru Pradesh.


Why do we need another state? We have so many already.

Wrong. We don’t have enough states.

The US of A has 50 states. 50.

We have 35 (28 States and some 7 Union Territories).

We need to set our standards high. We are still behind by more than two dozen states.

Even after Telangana, Gorkhland, Vidharba, Bundelkhand, Harit Pradesh, Maru Pradesh, Mera Pradesh, Tumhara Pradesh, Hamara Pradesh – we still fall short by 6 states.

So I can haz another state no?


But why call it Daaru Pradesh?

Daaru Pradesh is named after Daaru, a crude name to refer to madira – the drink of the ancients.

As for nomenclature, when we can have Maru Pradesh, why can’t we have Daaru Pradesh?

If you insist, we’ll call it Talli-angana but then you’ll have to answer to the Saviour of the North. Heck, we can call it by both names.


But there is hardly any basis for the formation of this new state. A new state should at least be a linguistic majority or must possess some other form of cultural uniformity. What identity does your state boast of?

Enlighten me here, on what basis was Goa made a state? Madhu Koda’s property turns out to have more surface area than the entire state of Goa. But we won’t point fingers at other states and how they came into being.

We are peaceful, logical men. Okay, just peaceful.

Let me show you how Daaru Pradesh is a social, cultural, economic and even a religious majority.

  • Social:

Alcoholics are a social majority. It is one social group that cuts across classes. You can be a Daaru-baaz(natives of Daaru Pradesh) irrespective of whether you are a prince or a pauper. Infact Alcohol is also the common thread between social and anti-social elements. Beer and butter chicken are a gunda’s staple diet. Nothing brings people together as an offer of drinks.

Alcoholics have been a socially discriminated lot too. The teetotallers have successfully labelled them as addicts and have isolated them. Alcoholics are now forced to gather at bars and can’t consume alcohol in public places.

It is time we showed them some respect and provided them a space of their own.

  • Cultural:

Contrary to popular opinion, Daarubazz have a highly evolved culture and have a keen interest in art and literature.

Studies have shown that Daaru boosts the capacity to sing at a high pitch. Several people(including one Mr. Atif Aslam) have reported higher levels of musical consciousness under the influence of Daaru. Daaru gives you inner voice a loud speaker, it brings out the best in you.

The Daaru dance form is one of the most popular dance forms in the world. It is practiced by baraatis, drunk party chicks and lads and fishermen across the world. The complex moves – the ‘money-in-my-mouth’, ‘peacock dance’, ‘pelvic jiggle’ – and the simpler ones – the dharamendra-alternator’, the ‘bow-and-arrow’ and the ‘i-am-a-pendulum’ – are the essence of many-a-parties and a subject of worldwide adulation.

The Language of the Daarubaaz – The Zapaleselanguage is considered to be one of the major languages spoken around the world. It is so complex that several research institutes are still trying to decipher it. Other variations include the Parkenese, the Erbanese, and the HooToo. It also includes words like garfg, shieeeetsad and hella which cannot be pronounced unless one is sufficiently inebriated.

We need to preserve this grand and ancient culture by bringing its followers together, under one state.

  • Economic

Alcohol drives the Indian economy with taxes to the tune of 25000 Crores. But apart from the bigger picture, there is urgent need to stop exodus of people from one state to another for cheaper alcohol.

This migration is either temporary – like people crossing state borders for duty-free alcohol – or permanent – like one Mr. Krishnakant who chose MIT(Manipal Institute of Technology) over IIT Kanpur because alcohol is cheaper in Manipal.

To prevent this forced movement of people from one state to another, we need to bring all like-livered people under one roof.

  • Religious

“A religion is a system of human thought which usually includes a set of narratives, symbols, beliefs and practices that give meaning to the practitioner’s experiences of life through reference to a higher power, deity or deities, or ultimate truth” – Wikipedia.

Few will disagree with me if I say that Daaru is also a religion in itself. We religiously venture out for a drink on weekends.

Infact drinking is an integral part of many festivals and celebrations and also a component of some rituals. Few people are also known to worship Daaru.

But frankly, if we can have the Psychick Youth and the Church of Euthanasia(which preaches cannibalism and sodomy in some forms)  , theChurch of the Flying Spaghetti Monsterand the Iglesia Maradoniana – Daaru more than qualifies to be a religion. *and it definitely has more takers than scientology*

I guess this is basis enough for you to realize that it is high time we pressed for Daaru Pradesh.

 


Having formed the premise of our demands, here is a glimpse of the proposed state.

Daaru Pradesh: Salient features

“Daaru Pradesh is the land where Daaru flows and grass grows. It is the land of the Old Monks, where the sun rises at 8 PM and where the Bagpiper makes divine music. The land of the Tharra, Addha, Pauua and the Taari” – Hiccipedia

Quick facts:

  • The minimum age for drinking in Daaru Pradesh is 16 years and that for voting is 40 years. There is no minimum age for drinking Beer.
  • There are no dry days in Daaru Pradesh.
  • Alcohol is duty free and so are most policemen.
  • Drunk driving is not an offence in Daaru Pradesh. It is a contact sport.
  • Monday mornings are compulsorily off , to treat Sunday night hangovers.
  • Drinking in public places is allowed. So is kissing and making loud noises.
  • Bars,Pubs and Thekas operate 24×7. Officially.
  • Political gatherings and speeches are not allowed till the speaker is sufficiently drunk to speak the truth.
  • Alcoholics Anonymous is considered a terrorist organization.
  • Illicit liquor is banned. You can exchange it at ATM counters and Banks for Imported Liquor.
  • There is no regional language. You can speak Hindi, Marathi or Swahili as long as you have traces of alcohol in your blood.
  • The State song is 99 bottles of Beer.
  • State scholarships for sportsmen who play Beer Pong and/or Last man standing.

Sounds interesting. So you are going on a fart fast-unto-death?

No. We are not.

If you read “The Fast and the Furious: A brief history of Fasts”  carefully, you’ll realize that unless you are a high-brow politician, a fast-unto-death will not be successful.

If you don’t have an army of supporters, ready to – burn tyres and buses, pelt stones, launch rasta rokos, dharnas and bandhs, die kill-   your fast-unto-death will be royally ignored. The media will also show you its raw behind unless of course you can get Shilpa Shetty to plead your case.

Since we alcoholics are a peaceful lot and can’t trust our supporters to rally for our cause, we won’t resort to a fast-unto-death.

Instead, we’ll do what we do best.

We’ll drink-unto-death.

Shararat Chandra ji said, “When in doubt, drink”.  This is our motto. Also our movement is a mass movement. So instead of only one person fasting, we have an array of volunteers willing to sacrifice their lives for Daaru Pradesh.We have arranged for ‘daaru songs’, puke-bins and have hired all liver specialists in the town for our mass protest.

If you want to join our struggle for a separate state, mail us at: main.marna.chahta.hun@dp.com


Which state do you intend to dissect for making Daaru Pradesh?

It was a very difficult decision for us. But some out-of-the-box thinking helped us find a solution. Instead of chopping one or two big states, we borrowed some land from as many states as possible.

Daaru Pradesh will be formed by borrowing lands near the borders of several states. We’ll touch the Bay of Bengal and the Arabian sea too, because Daaru is more fun when there is a beach nearby. Here is a rough map of what Daaru Pradesh will be like.

To tell you the truth, we didn’t brainstorm on this issue. We got pissed drunk, took a crayon and sketched on the Indian map. And we had Daaru Pradesh.


In the words of the great leader and thinker, Sohaib Ilyasi – Together we can and we wull make a difference!

Jai Hind. Jai Daaru Pradesh.


Disclaimer: This post is a work of fiction, any resemblance to a person, state or thing is purely co-incidental and probably the effect of too much drinking.

Also, the author is an opportunistic alcoholic, which means that he is mostly a teetotaller. Any factual errors in the article can be attributed to his lack of knowledge and suitable experience. But since an education minister is not assumed to be educated or Minister for Agriculture need not be a farmer, similarly the fact that he is not a declared alcoholic, cannot stop him from demanding(and eventually ruling) a new state.


Frankly, this whole I-want-a-new-state business is very confusing. Especially so if your father is a politician:

Photobucket


If you liked it(or loathed it), you might also like(or loathe) this and this, maybe even this.

Also, the I can haz pic above has been taken by me. The Cat in the pic is Burger(adopted by our apartment). The Monkey is a visitor.

The End.


73 Comments »

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  1. While reading your post I have gone through all the phases of laughing – smiling, giggling, laughing, loling, rofling, lmaoling, massive lmaoling and tearing when finally got to “We got pissed drunk, took a crayon and sketched on the Indian map. And we had Daaru Pradesh.” Damn good. 🙂

    • Thanks M!
      International co-operation in this movement is extremely important. I guess Daaru unites us all. 😀

  2. Hahaha! Enjoyed!!

    • Thanks Naren!

      Wishing you luck for the Indibloggies..

      Cheers!

  3. Haha. Good one, Sir. Excellent stuff.

  4. Thanks for giving me a good laugh. Enjoyed it 🙂 Keep them coming with your creativity.. 🙂

    • Thanks for the comment! Will surely try to keep up with the expectations. 🙂

  5. very very well written, enjoyed reading it, Keep it up

    • Thanks Harshita (actually Thanks x 3, for comments on Comicry, TGAT and on Facebook..)
      Many such proposals in the pipeline.. 😀

  6. omg…you are a terrific writer !! awesome humour !! cudnt stop laughing..hey you rock \m/ !!

    • Thanks Che!
      Trying to write actually, still miles to go before I can laugh at my own posts.. 🙂
      Nice to hear from you!
      Cheers \m/

  7. Awesome stuff. You missed an integral part of Daaru Pradesh though. The State of most Keralites in the evening is Talli-State. 😀

    • Thanks for the commment Milcom,
      I know I missed a few states, Missed the NE too.. Ran out of Crayon.. 😐
      But have a lot of land already, will manage I guess!
      😀

  8. hey!! u left out punjab in daaru pradesh!!!! 😛

    • hai na rey punjuab ki border bhi!

      • I don’t think I did, but my geography is pretty wretched, moreso after a peg or two. I missed Kerela too, but kya karein, Crayons ki bhi limit hai.

        But if you want, Punjab can be a part of Daaru Pradesh. Full on dhinchak music, chicken tandoori, naan and Daaru. Chak De! Wotsay?

        Afterall, National Inebriation is what we want! 😀

  9. OMG! You’ve made so much research into this. I never knew such things even existed!

    You’ve built such an incredible argument, you might actually get away with it. I mean, “why not?!” 🙂

    This post has it all! From getting the little smirks to genuine belly laughter. Brilliant work! Keep it going.

    • Yes, This is a post with a double purpose, it tries to raise awareness about important things like The FSM or the Drunk Dance Forms. It is my humble contribution to society and my species in general.
      There are loopholes in the argument too, but like I said, we are just peaceful, not logical at all.. #whocares
      Thank you for the kind words!
      Cheers!

  10. hehe… ROFling it is… 😀 😀

    • ROFL might do you good actually 😀
      So are you with us in this movement?
      Am assuming you are. Remember to have a drink or two at the Farewell. 😉

  11. hahahaha good stuff!

    • Thanks Da! You are my ambassador on Facebook.. 😀
      Cheers to our alliance! May Daaru-gods shower blessing upon us!

  12. i agree to bhatevr ij written here..
    *hic

    looks forward to get citizenships of daru pradesh..

  13. Phaadu post! 😀 😀

    • Thanks Onion! I was also planning to propose a ‘State of Affairs’ where people like Tiger Woods and Bill Clinton could be accommodated, but that would be later I guess.. 🙂

  14. DooooooooooooooooooD !!! Hilarious out-of-the-world Humour man !! There is still laughing in my head from that dis-claimer…

    • Hey there!
      Disclaimers are the best part of a post. You can always undo all the mischief you achieved earlier.. 😛
      Thanks for the comment!

  15. there is awesomeness all over this post!! must share with the “social” world!

    • Thanks Kartikay!
      I guess some part of the ‘social’ world knows about it! I shamelessly pushed it around. 😀
      You must now do your part! Daaru Pradesh, one for all, all for one. #cheesy

  16. Supercool man..

    More conducting than supercooled mercury! laughed my kidneys out 🙂

    Not a state, Demand a country 😉

  17. amazing stufff….at least we will be fighting for the justified causes unlike others… jai dp

    • Thanks S.
      The other causes are also justified, just that our cause is ‘more’ justified than theirs.. 😛
      Jai DP.

  18. ROFL. Too good..

  19. Too good Shantanu…rocking creativity…keep up the good work!

  20. Hey..

    This is one heck of a post! We all will drink-unto-death for Daaru Pradesh! 🙂

    • Hey there,
      Thanks for your support.. We need more supporters to drink-unto-death!
      P.s: Bring your own liquor please 😀

      Thanks for the comment(noticed some poetry on your blog, will hop in sometime soon)

  21. The humour writing business has been in recession for quite sometime now.
    After reading your posts, I see some hope.
    Dude, you got some lovely sensa-humour, keep writing humour, why do you wanna write code ?

    • Well, frankly I did notice a lot of humor-writing business on the internet, some much better than mine.
      I’ll make a blogroll someday perhaps, so the faith of readers in humor is restored! 😀

      And as for writing code, I haven’t written much yet..
      and when I write, it will be as hilarious as this, I promise 😛

      Thanks for the comment!

  22. This is really hilarious … and I am all game for such a state and would be more than happy to be a law abiding citizen of such a state …

    • Everybody is game for such a state.. it is insanely popular..
      and Law abiding citizen? Doesn’t go well with the ‘spirit’ of Daaru Pradesh..
      Cheers!

  23. ‘Super’ would be an understatement.

    What gives me hope and what gives the “WE DO NOT NEED PROHIBITION IN GUJARAT’ movement hope that slowly but surely a lot of people are going to stand up and ask for sure. The key is when?

    We will be hitting Ahmedabad using Art Activism in late jan or early Feb 2010…..posters, street painting and the release of the book.

    Lets see how it works out, its going to be very interesting for sure, hope to see you guys there.

    regards
    Rajiv

    • Dear Rajiv,

      Thanks for the comment.
      But let me clarify, that the objective of this post was to explore the funny side of the ‘Telangana’ issue and related issues.
      Daaru was a means to that end, not an end in itself.

      I believe that prohibition in Gujrat can only serve(or is meant to serve) a symbolic purpose. I mean, some of my friends from Gujrat can douse more alcohol than Obelix(if he was allowed to, that is) But considering that Gandhi ji’s words are ‘wasted’ on most of us, irrespective of the ‘state’ we live in, you’ll find takers for your cause.
      Art activism again is interesting, but this issue can be given a political/moral/international color at the drop of a hat. And things can go rough. So best of luck with your purpose!

      Thanks for dropping by.

  24. wat a g8 movement it would be!! i m deep guzzler turned teetotler(my lever cant take it anymore). i m missing my daaruthen (daaru brethen) but this is my qaalification for daaruzenship for the state. i am applying for it.
    maj jd

    • Jd,
      Citizenship granted, but please keep your ‘lever’ in check! 😀

  25. Hey there…

    Dude.. this is reely awesome work! and to be truthful ask any true MITian and u will know dat up till a year and a half ago manipal had a lot of qualities to come across as Daaru – Pradesh! unfortunately the karnataka government woke up one fine day to realise dat manipal was also in the state! lol! but seriously kudos to u for dis effort! awesome!

    had a reely great laugh!

    • I guess a ‘reverse alcohol drain’ is in order now! 😀
      Thanks for the comment!

  26. bludy i just quit alcohol! my new year’s resolution is never to touch daaru! and now this post! but i promise u my unconditional support!

    nice blog. hilarious! good work. keep writing.

    • Hey VOG, Thank you for your support. That is a very brave resolution and if you can keep it, even till 26th January, I’ll be very proud of you. 😀
      I ain’t much of a drinker myself. But I do adore drunk men and women and their antics! Priceless. So Daaru Pradesh welcomes you with open arms, and open beer cans(beer isn’t alcohol, is it?) 😛

      Thanks for the comment!

  27. hi i dnt know who will be cm of that state but i m going to apply for green card.

    and i will request to goverment to give alcohal connection like water and gas connection.

    cheers

    • Nice idea Rajiv. A few more promises and you can actually be the CM of Daaru Pradesh. 😀

  28. damn good!! I wish I can start my ganja pradesh (unofficially) in your state…As daaru and ganja walks hand-in-hand, it will be heaven….it will be gr8 help for da people to see the state of blackout…

    P.S: I think u hv forgotten to mention prostitution part in cultural aspects….

    • A state within a state? No way. Take some land from Goa, ganja works wonders there.
      Prostitution is too serious a topic to be trivialized in a post like this. Also, I didn’t see a relationship whatsoever between the two.

      Thanks for your comment Hrishi!

  29. […] Marry Me! « Daaru Pradesh – Gawd’s Own State […]

  30. […] if you have more time to waste, you can try reading this, this and this – posts which are responsible for most of these […]

  31. […] Daaru Pradesh – Gawd’s Own State […]

  32. […] Daaru Pradesh – Gawd’s Own State […]

  33. Sir,

    Bajaa daali logon ki…. brilliant that you could put out an argument so irrefutable, funny and sensible 😛 !! Amazing piece of writing…cheers!! I hope people see some sense..!

    • It is refutable but people get some much happiness from the thought that nobody is willing to refute.. That is Daaru Pradesh’s USP 😀

  34. […] Not related but read it anyway: Daaru Pradesh – Gawd’s Own State […]

  35. I respect and envy your thinking.
    Nonetheless I enjoyed the article :p

  36. I hope you’re a regular poster… 😀
    Right now, I’m having a whale of a time reading all your back posts but once I’m done, I’ll visit this site once every 5 mins…
    -refresh. “has he posted anything new”?- *repeat until new post is found….*
    I love your posts.
    😀 😀

  37. […] Daaru Pradesh – Gawd’s Own State […]

  38. […] Daaru Pradesh – Gawd’s Own State […]

  39. Outrageously hilarious, as expected from you 🙂
    Loved this post.. Especially the location chosen for Daaru Pradesh.
    I would like to vote for you as the CM/Governor/Mayor of this State 🙂

    • Thanks! Precisely the reason why I’ve been egging you to read this post and this blog.. 😛

  40. awessome
    awesomee
    awesomme
    aawesome
    awwesome
    aweesome
    awesoome!!

    keep up the good work…


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