Daaru Pradesh – Gawd’s Own State

December 13, 2009 at 3:14 pm | Posted in Bhery Phunny, Comic-giri | 73 Comments
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Different people want different things. Harman Baweja wants a hit film.China wants Arunanchal Pradesh. My neighbour wants a new wife. Tiger Woods wants some privacy. Everybody wants something.

I want a state.

Yes, a state.

I want Daaru Pradesh.


Why do we need another state? We have so many already.

Wrong. We don’t have enough states.

The US of A has 50 states. 50.

We have 35 (28 States and some 7 Union Territories).

We need to set our standards high. We are still behind by more than two dozen states.

Even after Telangana, Gorkhland, Vidharba, Bundelkhand, Harit Pradesh, Maru Pradesh, Mera Pradesh, Tumhara Pradesh, Hamara Pradesh – we still fall short by 6 states.

So I can haz another state no?


But why call it Daaru Pradesh?

Daaru Pradesh is named after Daaru, a crude name to refer to madira – the drink of the ancients.

As for nomenclature, when we can have Maru Pradesh, why can’t we have Daaru Pradesh?

If you insist, we’ll call it Talli-angana but then you’ll have to answer to the Saviour of the North. Heck, we can call it by both names.


But there is hardly any basis for the formation of this new state. A new state should at least be a linguistic majority or must possess some other form of cultural uniformity. What identity does your state boast of?

Enlighten me here, on what basis was Goa made a state? Madhu Koda’s property turns out to have more surface area than the entire state of Goa. But we won’t point fingers at other states and how they came into being.

We are peaceful, logical men. Okay, just peaceful.

Let me show you how Daaru Pradesh is a social, cultural, economic and even a religious majority.

  • Social:

Alcoholics are a social majority. It is one social group that cuts across classes. You can be a Daaru-baaz(natives of Daaru Pradesh) irrespective of whether you are a prince or a pauper. Infact Alcohol is also the common thread between social and anti-social elements. Beer and butter chicken are a gunda’s staple diet. Nothing brings people together as an offer of drinks.

Alcoholics have been a socially discriminated lot too. The teetotallers have successfully labelled them as addicts and have isolated them. Alcoholics are now forced to gather at bars and can’t consume alcohol in public places.

It is time we showed them some respect and provided them a space of their own.

  • Cultural:

Contrary to popular opinion, Daarubazz have a highly evolved culture and have a keen interest in art and literature.

Studies have shown that Daaru boosts the capacity to sing at a high pitch. Several people(including one Mr. Atif Aslam) have reported higher levels of musical consciousness under the influence of Daaru. Daaru gives you inner voice a loud speaker, it brings out the best in you.

The Daaru dance form is one of the most popular dance forms in the world. It is practiced by baraatis, drunk party chicks and lads and fishermen across the world. The complex moves – the ‘money-in-my-mouth’, ‘peacock dance’, ‘pelvic jiggle’ – and the simpler ones – the dharamendra-alternator’, the ‘bow-and-arrow’ and the ‘i-am-a-pendulum’ – are the essence of many-a-parties and a subject of worldwide adulation.

The Language of the Daarubaaz – The Zapaleselanguage is considered to be one of the major languages spoken around the world. It is so complex that several research institutes are still trying to decipher it. Other variations include the Parkenese, the Erbanese, and the HooToo. It also includes words like garfg, shieeeetsad and hella which cannot be pronounced unless one is sufficiently inebriated.

We need to preserve this grand and ancient culture by bringing its followers together, under one state.

  • Economic

Alcohol drives the Indian economy with taxes to the tune of 25000 Crores. But apart from the bigger picture, there is urgent need to stop exodus of people from one state to another for cheaper alcohol.

This migration is either temporary – like people crossing state borders for duty-free alcohol – or permanent – like one Mr. Krishnakant who chose MIT(Manipal Institute of Technology) over IIT Kanpur because alcohol is cheaper in Manipal.

To prevent this forced movement of people from one state to another, we need to bring all like-livered people under one roof.

  • Religious

“A religion is a system of human thought which usually includes a set of narratives, symbols, beliefs and practices that give meaning to the practitioner’s experiences of life through reference to a higher power, deity or deities, or ultimate truth” – Wikipedia.

Few will disagree with me if I say that Daaru is also a religion in itself. We religiously venture out for a drink on weekends.

Infact drinking is an integral part of many festivals and celebrations and also a component of some rituals. Few people are also known to worship Daaru.

But frankly, if we can have the Psychick Youth and the Church of Euthanasia(which preaches cannibalism and sodomy in some forms)  , theChurch of the Flying Spaghetti Monsterand the Iglesia Maradoniana – Daaru more than qualifies to be a religion. *and it definitely has more takers than scientology*

I guess this is basis enough for you to realize that it is high time we pressed for Daaru Pradesh.

 


Having formed the premise of our demands, here is a glimpse of the proposed state.

Daaru Pradesh: Salient features

“Daaru Pradesh is the land where Daaru flows and grass grows. It is the land of the Old Monks, where the sun rises at 8 PM and where the Bagpiper makes divine music. The land of the Tharra, Addha, Pauua and the Taari” – Hiccipedia

Quick facts:

  • The minimum age for drinking in Daaru Pradesh is 16 years and that for voting is 40 years. There is no minimum age for drinking Beer.
  • There are no dry days in Daaru Pradesh.
  • Alcohol is duty free and so are most policemen.
  • Drunk driving is not an offence in Daaru Pradesh. It is a contact sport.
  • Monday mornings are compulsorily off , to treat Sunday night hangovers.
  • Drinking in public places is allowed. So is kissing and making loud noises.
  • Bars,Pubs and Thekas operate 24×7. Officially.
  • Political gatherings and speeches are not allowed till the speaker is sufficiently drunk to speak the truth.
  • Alcoholics Anonymous is considered a terrorist organization.
  • Illicit liquor is banned. You can exchange it at ATM counters and Banks for Imported Liquor.
  • There is no regional language. You can speak Hindi, Marathi or Swahili as long as you have traces of alcohol in your blood.
  • The State song is 99 bottles of Beer.
  • State scholarships for sportsmen who play Beer Pong and/or Last man standing.

Sounds interesting. So you are going on a fart fast-unto-death?

No. We are not.

If you read “The Fast and the Furious: A brief history of Fasts”  carefully, you’ll realize that unless you are a high-brow politician, a fast-unto-death will not be successful.

If you don’t have an army of supporters, ready to – burn tyres and buses, pelt stones, launch rasta rokos, dharnas and bandhs, die kill-   your fast-unto-death will be royally ignored. The media will also show you its raw behind unless of course you can get Shilpa Shetty to plead your case.

Since we alcoholics are a peaceful lot and can’t trust our supporters to rally for our cause, we won’t resort to a fast-unto-death.

Instead, we’ll do what we do best.

We’ll drink-unto-death.

Shararat Chandra ji said, “When in doubt, drink”.  This is our motto. Also our movement is a mass movement. So instead of only one person fasting, we have an array of volunteers willing to sacrifice their lives for Daaru Pradesh.We have arranged for ‘daaru songs’, puke-bins and have hired all liver specialists in the town for our mass protest.

If you want to join our struggle for a separate state, mail us at: main.marna.chahta.hun@dp.com


Which state do you intend to dissect for making Daaru Pradesh?

It was a very difficult decision for us. But some out-of-the-box thinking helped us find a solution. Instead of chopping one or two big states, we borrowed some land from as many states as possible.

Daaru Pradesh will be formed by borrowing lands near the borders of several states. We’ll touch the Bay of Bengal and the Arabian sea too, because Daaru is more fun when there is a beach nearby. Here is a rough map of what Daaru Pradesh will be like.

To tell you the truth, we didn’t brainstorm on this issue. We got pissed drunk, took a crayon and sketched on the Indian map. And we had Daaru Pradesh.


In the words of the great leader and thinker, Sohaib Ilyasi – Together we can and we wull make a difference!

Jai Hind. Jai Daaru Pradesh.


Disclaimer: This post is a work of fiction, any resemblance to a person, state or thing is purely co-incidental and probably the effect of too much drinking.

Also, the author is an opportunistic alcoholic, which means that he is mostly a teetotaller. Any factual errors in the article can be attributed to his lack of knowledge and suitable experience. But since an education minister is not assumed to be educated or Minister for Agriculture need not be a farmer, similarly the fact that he is not a declared alcoholic, cannot stop him from demanding(and eventually ruling) a new state.


Frankly, this whole I-want-a-new-state business is very confusing. Especially so if your father is a politician:

Photobucket


If you liked it(or loathed it), you might also like(or loathe) this and this, maybe even this.

Also, the I can haz pic above has been taken by me. The Cat in the pic is Burger(adopted by our apartment). The Monkey is a visitor.

The End.


Volkswagen runs into a rough patch, sued by Indian Company

December 2, 2009 at 10:28 pm | Posted in Bhery Phunny, Faking News | 26 Comments
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Kolkata. Nitin Das was running a flourishing chain of automobile repair workshops under the name of ‘Das Auto’ when he saw the new Volkswagen commercial on National Television. Infuriated at his brand name being used as Volkswagen’s tagline, without his prior permission, he decided to take legal action against the automobile company. In a press conference later in the evening his lawyer announced that they’ve filed a copyright violation case against Volkswagen India.

Eyewitnesses report that Mr. Das was seen shouting “Ee na cholbe ee na cholbe” from his balcony, a popular bengali war cry from superhit movie Tiranga. “I have never seen Nitin da like this”, says their neighbour Chobi Biswas “He even removed his t-shirt and waved it while shouting slogans against Bolksbhagen”.

Volkswagen in a curt reply to the whole fiasco, has said that it is investigating the ‘alleged’ copyright violations. It is also speculated that they have hired experts from Max Muller Bhawan, Kolkata to draft an explanation of the tagline.

Mr. Das has however demanded an unconditional apology and has asked for immediate removal of all Volkswagen advertisements across all mediums. Though judging from the fact that Volkswagen has already spent a mammoth amount on the recent advertisement campaign, which includes hefty coverage in the Crimes of India, a compromise cannot be ruled out.

Lawyer K.C.Chaudhary who is handling Mr. Das’s case has said that they are not averse to an out-of-court settlement. This settlement is supposed to include exclusive servicing rights for Volkswagen’s cars to be given to Das Auto. But future course of action will depend  on Volkswagen’s reply, Mr. Chaudhary says adding that an apology is a must.

The issue has now got a political flavor with the CPM calling a Bengal Bandh on the 31st of November to support Nitin Das.

It is yet to be seen whether Mr. Das’s perseverance can force an international automobile giant to bend, but this brave move has gained Mr. Das a lot of respect. His neighbours are pouring in with eggrolls and fish curry to show their support and his business is on a roll too, much to the chagrin of his competitors.

“What’s in a name”, Shakespeare once wrote. Nitin Das might soon find out.


Disclaimer:

This post is a work of fiction, you know, just in case. 🙂

This post is a tribute to Faking News, one of India’s(rather Asia’s) best satire website. Cheers to you guys!


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