Stoned.

October 10, 2009 at 5:19 pm | Posted in Bhery Phunny, Random Rants | 30 Comments
Tags: , , , ,

Type the following code in Google(define: stoned) and you’ll come across these definitions.

  • hopped-up: under the influence of narcotics
  • Stoned is the name of a boot sector computer virus created in 1987, apparently in New Zealand.
  • Stoning, or lapidation, refers to a form of capital punishment whereby an organized group throws stones at the convicted individual until the person dies.
  • High on drugs, weed, cannabis.
  • stoning – The use of a carborundum stone to smooth rough edges caused by cutting.

But even Google doesn’t know everything(Chuck Norris does). So here goes the missing definition:

Stoned: The condition of having pebble-like things popularly called as stones in the most under-rated organs of your body – The Kidney and the Gall bladder.

Usage: The nephrologist told me – Dude, you are stoned!


Warning: Grossness ahead


How to get stoned:

The good news is, to be stoned in this manner you don’t need any contacts in the Narcotics department. Neither will you have to travel to some Arab country and get caught having an illegal affair.

The better news is, that if you are an engineering/management student, suffering from atrocious mess food – then you, in all probabilities, are stoned already.

How I got stoned:

To cut a long story short, I had an accident(trying to save a bloody dog) which gave me 15 stitches on my face, a broken jaw, almost grinded teeth and a drastic drop in dowry prices. It also gave me calcium imbalance and subsequently kidney stones.

But being the gentle soul that I am, I never noticed this particular ailment. Because this frigging ailment doesn’t have any noticeable symptoms. Its not like you hear clinking noises in your lower abdomen while dancing to cheesy bollywood numbers.

Chances are that if you are a chronic sufferer of gastronomical disasters(read: serial farter) like I am, then you’ll just pass this pain of being stoned as another explosion in the making.

The only difference being – there is no explosion.

So you turn around in your bed, ask your classmates to excuse you every now and then and avoid going to parties which do not have a Dj – only to realize that you have killed all joy for nothing. Zilch.

The kidney stone pain is funny. Funny because it makes you restless. You never know the exact location of the pain. You twist in your bed, roll from side to side, get up, walk but five minutes in the new position and this pain starts.

Another funny symptom is false peeing alarms. I lost 10% of my semester marks that year because of this. Another reason being that the college forgot to build bathrooms on the second and third floors.

You wait and wait and wait in the cubicles(you know what I mean) and nothing happens. Nothing. Disappointment follows and you begin asking yourself weird questions. Some people also visit websites like AskMen to check if *everything* is alright.

But being the brave soul that I am, I sidelined these concerns and took the pain head on. I also avoided painkillers because they kill the kidneys. Vicious circle I know.

And then one day it happened.

What Happened?

We(me and Subbu – a dear friend) were driving to our destinations when this pain began. Now driving with a throbbing pain in your lower abdomen(this sounds so funky) is a pain in the – well, lower abdomen. 😛

Subbu noticed I was in pain and volunteered to drop me home. But when the stones begin to roll, you have funny things in your head. So I had to stop my bike and almost passed out on the pavement. Subbu sensing trouble donned the role of a friend-in-need. We left my bike and went looking for a doctor.

The poor chap took me to the family doctor of his, who refused to attend to me citing the late hours(Nine thirty in the night, I now feel he had different plans). So Subbu took me to a notorious hospital famous for their wallet-sucking prowess. On the way he enlisted all marathi, hindi and english profanities for his family doctor. Well, learning does come in handy.

So we landed at the hospital. The nurses weren’t as cute as the one you see in Deo ads and prohibited movies. But who cared! – I was in pain and I needed medicine.

Doctors can tell your ailment by looking at your face(or purse) and the moment I told him about my pain – He took out an injection and gave me a painkiller.

When the throbbing ended, I realized what mess I am in. And then he told me that I have Kidney stones or Appendicitis and an Ultrasound will be conducted to confirm the ailment.

Now if you have seen Friends, you’ll know that an Ultrasound is like a sonar of your stomach to reveal kids in pregnant women. In no way was I prepared for this unknown ordeal that lay in my way.

The Ultra Sound:

Please don’t be fooled by the cute girl in the image below. The machine next to her looks like your old computer which had Windows 98 and wallpapers of Heidi Klum and porn in hidden folders.

It is that and more.

Now, understand this – an ultrasound is a predominantly female activity. So if you are a guy and are sitting in a waiting room waiting to get your ultrasound test done, be ready for the following:

  • It is akin to a guy waiting in a waxing parlour –  only difference being there are no screams to be heard here
  • Be prepared to tolerate disgusting looks from expectant fathers who have come here to accompany their wives
  • Be prepared to have understanding looks from expectant mothers who smile at you thinking that you are the cute husband here for your wife’s report
  • You are surrounded by posters of the latest machines – scanners which you can picture yourself entering
  • The toilet is almost  perpetually occupied because an ultrasound is done on a full bladder and the poor bladder can take only so much 🙂
  • No, you are not allowed to have beer, its water, plain water

So, when you are disguising as the husband of the pregnant imaginary wife, a ward boy will come up to you and tell you – ‘Bhai sahab paani pee lijiye aur jab peeshaab lage toh bata dijiyega’ – ‘Brother, drink loads of water and tell us when you feel an urgent need to pee’.

So much for secrecy. Now everybody will give you sympathetic ‘We understand’ looks and the ‘No kids for you, loser’ looks. It is time  you get busy doing nothing on your cellphone(this is the best opportunity to beat the Snakes high score)

Then, when you’ve had loads of Bisleri and feel that you can almost flush out the stones, the doctor will call you.

What follows is a painful, emotionally depressing process. The doc applies a gooey gel on your abdomen and then he rolls a cylindrical-alien-probe-dildo-thingy on your stomach. If he is the kinky types, his hands will go astray often and you’ll have to save your you-know-what’s dignity any possible way(which includes screaming ‘Bachao Bachao!’ and ‘Bhagwaan ke liye mujhe chhod do’)

Thankfully, my doctor didn’t find me cute enough. This tickling test ended and guess what – I had not one, not two but THREE frigging stones! Merry Christmas!

Let us call these co-ordinates A, B and C. I’ll add a picture for your reference if you are biologically challenged.

uri.png

So this Bermuda Triangle bothered me for a long time.(One year and counting) Mom once asked a doctor, “Will he need an operation?”  only to be told, “Madame, har jagah toh stones hain, kahan kahan katenge!” #FML

Now a kidney stone is a relatively harmless and common ailment. If you drink beer and water regularly you might flush the stone without any treatment. But the VIP that I am, I had three stones!

If I gulped the entire overhead tank of my apartment complex then probably I’d have flush out the stones. But I like the option of Beer – only that parents reject such roudy suggestions at home.(Damn I need a job now!)

So I need something called a Laser surgery but I cannot have it. Because I have a frigging family history of reactions to medical dyes. (I need a new body too!)

Along came the devil and suggested Homoeopathy as a course of medicine. And months later I am still stoned.

Status: The third island of the bermudas did leave my body. The problem with kidney stones is that they have only one exit and its usually very busy(and no, it does not affect your sex life :P) So I now have two stones in my kidneys and my newly-born niece has shown interest in using me as a jhunjhuna(someone please tell me what is jhunjhuna called in English?)

I am told that drinking loads of water will help cure this but then, with so few public toilets around(ones which you can enter and leave without passing out due to stench), its a difficult task. Anyway, I am still hopeful that the other two stones will also leave me alone and I keep popping white little sugar pills(read: medicine). Till then, I might as well enjoy this! 🙂


Disclaimer: This is partly a work of fiction and any resemblance to any person or organ is purely intentional. The author’s medical knowledge is limited to drawing dirty diagrams in his biology lectures and watching educational videos on Youtube. Believe everything at your own risk. If you found sexist undertones in this post, you can register a complain with the author’s girlfriend.

Source: Toshiba Picture

30 Comments »

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  1. simply crazy post man !!

    • Like they say.. one man’s pain is another man’s pleasure.. 😛 *pun not intended*.. Kidney stone is one ailment you can merrily write about! 😀

  2. Haha.. So that’s what ‘being stoned’ feels like from a patient’s perspective!

    PS: junjhuna=rattle (Though prefer the sound of ‘jhunjhuna’! Much more onomatoepic! )

    • Yeah! Patient’s perspective.. and thanks for ‘rattle’.. I am severely vocab and spelling challenged..! 😐
      and I’ll google the last word.. thanks! 😛

    • And I now know what “onomatoepic” means.. now to learn the spelling.. *repeat to self onomatoepic onomatoepic*

  3. a vei gud post!!!..highlights a lot o’ problems a patient faces day to day in a hospital

    • Thanks re.. it was written in good humor tho.. not really critical of the problems people face.. 🙂

  4. I cracked up reading this! :D. Tantanoo a good write up!
    And it’s “Onomatopoeic”….. a figure of speech….. just so for your vocab! hehe… 🙂

    • Hey there!

      Everytime I feel my shameless self plugging on twitter is being wasted, a comment comes along.. 🙂
      And yeah.. now I know the meaning of Onomatopoeic *I keep reading that as onomatopoetic*

  5. Simply Stunned and Stoned man ! What a long but lovely post !

  6. Dude, you write very well. I’m impressed by how well you write, your use of language, your perfection of syntax and grammer, and overall readability. And what a terrific post. The only thing you could have tossed in there was the Dylan song “Everybody must get stoned”. :~)

    • Whoa!

      For once I am glad that I did a shameless self promotion. Coming from you that compliment really means a lot!
      And am off to download that song..!

      Thanks a lot again!

  7. ouch.. i went thru the same last december.. being the workaholic corporate i ignored the alarms, and man was it painful… i wud have been dead if the guys around me had paid heed to “kill me now” shouts…

    anyways… i had very incidents too… find it here Shan http://www.tantrumzz.com/2008/12/its-good-to-be-back.html

    psst: i skipped the later part coz it made me revisit the pain and grossness,i went thru… hope u dont kill me for that..

  8. Its really painful.. I always carry painkillers now! but you should read it.. once you can laugh about serious business, it eases the pain a lot! 🙂

    Anyway. off to read your blog!

  9. Hey! Very well worded n descriptive. Refreshing to see a well written blog post! Kudos!

    • Hey thanks! Your comment somehow landed in the Spam folder.. am glad I checked it today..! 😐
      Sorry about that!

  10. I’ve met other ‘stoned’ people before. They growl & grumble for the pain being almost like death. In contrast, the fact that you tend to find humour in the whole ordeal is very refreshing! Very well written and quite informative too. Bermuda Triangle – LOL!
    I hope the stones come out soon and you come out Stone Age too! Get well soon man.

    • Well it isn’t that I didn’t growl.. but I was so fucked that I couldn’t help laughing at my problems.. and I’ve laughed at worse than this.. 😛 another post that!

      And that bermuda triangle had to be censored to suit pg-13 ratings.. 😛

      Thanks for the wishes! I also hope to get out of stone age asap!

  11. Hello from Russia!
    Can I quote a post in your blog with the link to you?

    • Hmm, if you are not another spammer(which I think you are not but I am not sure).. then you surely can! 🙂

  12. Haha.. Great post man.

    If you too are a ‘Friends’ fanatic – I am sure you can relate to Joey’s pain now. And if I am remembering it correctly, “Joey’s kidney stones” was the same episode when Phoebe had triplets! Same for you.

    ‘Deliver’ them soon. 😉

    • Thanks! My girlfriend is also waiting for me to ‘deliver’ them.. the first twins in the family.. 😛

  13. […] – and my tale of the Bermuda Triangle – Stoned. […]

  14. […] Stoned […]

  15. […] “I could feel them at various places in my body but the book didn’t tell me anything about finding them”, Panna Lal told the Faking News reporter. So he began his treasure hunt by getting his body scanned. In one USG test, the reports revealed the presence of three stones in his kidneys. […]

  16. […] ‘kidney stone bladder exit speed’ […]

  17. Louly! Update on the latest status of the twin brothers settled in your innards? I heard Baba Ramdev has a ‘fast’ fix for such problems! 😛

  18. […] be frank, none of my systems are up to the mark. Digestive, Excretory, Circulatory, Nervous –  You name it. All are equally disappointing. I think when God was […]


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