Nominees for Nobel Peace Prize 2010

October 17, 2009 at 10:59 pm | Posted in 10 pointers, Bhery Phunny | 64 Comments

Disclaimer: All in good humor(or something like it)


Well, the Nobel Peace Prize for the year 2009 has gone to Barack Obama. Congratulations to him! Hillary Clinton has also accepted the fact that she should have tried harder for the presidential seat. And in a few months, the move to nominate the candidates for 2010 will begin.

We at TGAT, being the good samaritans that we are, have prepared a list of nominees for the Peace prize of 2010 and will soon forward the same to the committee. Here we give you a sneak peek into our list.

Feel free to add your candidates in the comment box, this list will undergo a revision on Christmas eve, once we get the good deeds invoice for these candidates from the North Pole.

1. Bappi Lahiri

Bappi da is the unanimous choice for the Nobel Peace Prize(and no he didn’t bribe us).

In these times of recession, Bappi da sets an example of courage by donning gold ornaments by hundreds. Rumour has it that Bappi da secretly donated gold to Cibola, the city of Gold.

All that glitters is not Bappi Lahiri – said an old monk once.

Bappi da is also an apostle of unity in diversity and has copied songs from almost all genres and countries thus bringing world music together. He and Pritam(a nominee for 2011 we promise) have done a remarkable service to the global music industry by plagiarizing songs by dozens.

Infact, Nicholas Cage’s next movie – National Treasure 3: The Hunt for the Walking Treasure is about finding Bappi Da who has been kidnapped by Al Fayeda, a dacoit outfit founded by Chaalis Chor of Ali Baba and Chaalis Chor fame.

Famous quotes: Hamara sab kuch gold ka hai

Keeping in mind his contribution to world music, hope in the times of recession and making Mithun Da the super-hero that he is, we nominate Bappi Da for the Nobel Peace Prize.

2. Sania Mirza

Sania Mirza is India’s answer to Rafael Nadal Maria Sharapova. When she is not playing Tennis, she’s busy empowering the Indian Women by selling TVS Scooty, making Tata Tea or selecting the color of her nose ring.

Sania is one of the major influences why a large number of girls are playing tennis in India (and a larger number of guys are watching it). She also showed her belief in the institution of marriage by marrying pretty early in her career, much to the chagrin of followers and stalkers.

But more than any of her personal achievement, Sania has contributed to the world peace movement by not throwing her racket even once in her tournaments. She never abused a line man/woman and didn’t threaten shove a tennis ball down anyone’s throat.

Despite being in severe pressure to perform, act in commercials and attend press conferences, she has never threatened the line umpires. Neither has she attacked any of the India TV and Aaj Tak reporters who always follow her to grab some controversial byte.

For her peaceful methods of protests and her commendable calm on the tennis court, we forward her name for the Nobel Peace Prize.

3. Arnab Goswami and Rajdeep Sardesai

Arnab and Rajdeep might belong to rival channels but their contribution to the world peace movement is immense.

Their concept of peace is simple –  Monotribe

Monotribe is a complex compound made from 3 parts diatribe and 1 part dialogue and which is disguised in the form of a monologue.

Their modus operandi is similar:

Bring a fire-breathing, thesaurus-spitting, opinionated-yet-confused celebrity/politician in a talk show – and don’t let them speak.

If you think this is an easy task, think again. It takes tremendous effort, exceptionally strong vocal cords, two bodyguards on the set, written permission from the NMS, a real-time speech editing software which converts all words resembling ‘Bombay’ to ‘Mumbai’ and much much more.

This and numerous other achievements(including a particular interview with a sentence like, ‘Can you look into my eyes and say it?’) make them a contender for World’s most coveted Peace prize.

4. Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley and JK Rowling

J K Rowling missed the Nobel prize for literature because she admitted in a press conference that Dumbledore is gay but she and her valiant trio deserve the Nobel Peace Prize.

If you are wondering why, here are some statistics:

a. No. of Words in Harry Potter books:

    1. Philosopher’s Stone– 76,944 words
    2. Chamber of Secrets – 85,141 words
    3. Prisoner of Azkaban – 107,253 words
    4. Goblet of Fire – 190,637 words
    5. Order of the Phoenix – 257,045 words
    6. Half-Blood Prince – 168,923 words
    7. Deathly Hallows – 204,796 word

b. Total No. of Pages: Approx. 4175

In these staggering volumes of sentences and stories, plots and sub-plots, kisses and tales of goats and more – Never once did the trio utter the Killing Curse.

Imagine the scenario: The Dark Lord is out there to kill this poor kid, all through seven books and eight movies and the dark lord ends up dead. But Harry Potter and his two best friends never, and we repeat for useless emphasis, never ever utter the killing curse.

Where else can you find a greater message of peace? When all around you, your family, your friends and your enemies are using the killing curse – these valiant three survive without using the ultimate weapon – the killing curse.

We must give them the Nobel Peace prize to teach countries a lesson – that just because you have nuclear weapons doesn’t mean that you have to use them.  You can go for peaceful methods of winning wars – like exchanging stupid politicians or by a shoe-throwing competition. The one that hits, wins the war. Or something like that. Why blow each other up?

Thus this committee forwards the names of Harry James Potter, Hermione Jean Granger, Ronald Bilius "Ron" Weasley and J K Rowling for the Nobel Peace Prize nominees.

5. A.Q. Khan

Now, this is controversial. Not many will agree with us when we nominate Dr. A. Q. Khan for the Nobel Peace Prize. But a little reasoning will see us through.

There are some men, who are misunderstood. And then there are some men who are grossly misunderstood. For example, Mr. Alfred Nobel. He invented the dynamite so that he can later invent the Nobel Peace Prize. Because you first invent the disease and then the antidote.  On the same lines lies the genius of Dr. A. Q. Khan.

Dr. Khan’s mission of peace is – Give nuclear weapons to all countries – by all we also mean countries like Vatican City, Monaco, Maldives, Malta, Barabados and others like Nuaru, Tuvalu, Liechtenstein, Palau(yes, these are countries) – nuclear weapons for all. Santa comes to town, baby!

How does this help Peace? Well, look at it this way – Now every country has a nuclear weapon, so nobody will use it. Come on, you never hit your neighbour if he has the same baseball bat that you have. You never threaten your wife with money if she is earning too. On the same lines, once everybody has a nuclear weapon, it becomes common. Like a washing machine or an iphone.

This brings the nuclear hullabaloo to rest. Nobody cares. Keep your weapons to yourself – We have Rakhi Sawant. And what greater peace than peace of mind. Now George Bush can sleep because there ARE weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. And Pakistan. And India. And every other country. Who knows, there must be a few on the moon too.

And come on, if we can give a Nobel Prize to Yasser Arafat and a nomination to Adolf Hitler, Dr. Khan more than deserves a nomination.

Q.E.D

6. Manmohan Singh:

To be fair, we included Dr. Manmohan Singh’s name because there were no politicians on our list. And looking at the previous winners of the Nobel Peace Prize, you have a better chance of winning if you are a politician(more if you are a secretary of state or a president).

Prize or no prize, Dr. Manmohan Singh is an apostle of peace. Sample this:"

  • Pakistan returns our dossiers for inquiry on 26/11 once every week but he is still at peace.
  • China will soon claim that Lakshadweep, Andaman and Nicobar and even Sri Lanka belongs to it but he is still at peace.
  • The US is playing ping pong of fraandsheep with India and he is still at peace.
  • Indians are being roughed up in Australia and Foreigners are being raped and abused in India but he is at peace.

Can you be more peaceful than that? The only time he lost his cool was when Mr. Advani shouted slogans against him from adsense banners all over the internet. But we’ll ignore that ‘mild’ outburst of his because even while replying to Mr. Advani, Dr. Singh was mild and peaceful.

Who can deserve it more than Dr. Manmohan Singh, we say?

7. Ev and Biz

It is high time that the Nobel Peace prize was awarded to a geek. We demand an explanation as to why there isn’t a category for Nobel Prize for software or Nobel Prize for hardware?

Since there was no Windows 3.11(and no BSoDs) during Alfred Nobel’s time, we’ll not question his will. What we can do is nominate geeks to the other Nobel Prizes. For example, Apple was nominated for the Nobel prize for Literature for writing the Ipod Nano 4th Generation User Guide(which co-incidentally forgets to mention the video formats compatible with the device).

But Ev and Biz truly deserve the Nobel Peace Prize for creating Twitter.

Now before you begin your I-love-facebook-twitter-sucks-bigtime-will-you-fraandsheep-me-i-will-shove-a-failwhale-up-your-you-know-what tirades against twitter, Sample this:

Where else will you find a better bitching, cribbing, mud-slinging, thong-hurtling platform to share your opinion?

What better way to complain about everything that is wrong with the world(and forget everything that is wrong with you)?

Just protect your updates, don’t accept requests from people you know(your boss or your wife for exmple) and there you go – crib away to glory!

Twitter is actually responsible for a lot of peace in the world. You hate your boss, tweet this and that gets retweeted five times. Now you feel happy that six people hate your boss and in your happiness you forget that your boss just screwed you in the latest performance appraisal. But you are happy – Twitter makes people happy.

Add to it nude bots, teeth whitening bots, bots who retweet you unconditionally and you have a whole new life!

And then when your social life is being affected by twitter a DDoS attack or a failwhale comes across to tell you – enough twittering for a while, loser! Get a life.

Twitter is the answer to everything!

*The End*


You may also like to have a look at How to win a Nobel Peace Prize?

Image Credits:

Bappi Da in Gold
Arnab for PM!!!
Rajdeep in full glory
Sania Mirza in that cheeky tshirt
JKR with the Harry, Ron and Hermione
Mr. A. Q. Khan

Khwahish

October 11, 2009 at 4:32 pm | Posted in Unsuccessful Poems | 4 Comments

बचपन से उसे देख रहा हूँ

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तब भी अकेला ही था

आज भी अकेला ही है

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वो कुत्तों का कर्म स्थल है

गरीबों का धर्म स्थल है

s

बच्चों का खिलौना है

राही का बिछोना है

s

चींटियों का मकान है

फलों की दुकान है

पतंगों का कब्रिस्तान है

s

बहुत कुछ देखा है उसने ज़िन्दगी में

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बच्चों को हंसते खेलते देखा है

ट्रक के नीचे आके मरते देखा है

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बारातें आती हुई देखी हैं

दुल्हन की लाश एंबुलेंस में जाती हुई देखी है

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घरों को बसते हुए देखा है

घरोंदों को उजड़ते हुए देखा है

s

मौसम बदलते देखे है

मिजाज़ बदलते देखे हैं

s

पर वो मौन है, स्थिर है शांत है

वो अकेला है, केवल एक मूक दर्शक

वक़्त का

s

उसे इंतज़ार है

किसी तेज़ आंधी का

किसी कुल्हाडी के आने से पहले

उसे अपाहिज बनाने से पहले

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एक इज्ज़तदार मौत की ख्वाहिश है उसे

उसे, जो कभी मेरा दोस्त हुआ करता था

Stoned.

October 10, 2009 at 5:19 pm | Posted in Bhery Phunny, Random Rants | 30 Comments
Tags: , , , ,

Type the following code in Google(define: stoned) and you’ll come across these definitions.

  • hopped-up: under the influence of narcotics
  • Stoned is the name of a boot sector computer virus created in 1987, apparently in New Zealand.
  • Stoning, or lapidation, refers to a form of capital punishment whereby an organized group throws stones at the convicted individual until the person dies.
  • High on drugs, weed, cannabis.
  • stoning – The use of a carborundum stone to smooth rough edges caused by cutting.

But even Google doesn’t know everything(Chuck Norris does). So here goes the missing definition:

Stoned: The condition of having pebble-like things popularly called as stones in the most under-rated organs of your body – The Kidney and the Gall bladder.

Usage: The nephrologist told me – Dude, you are stoned!


Warning: Grossness ahead


How to get stoned:

The good news is, to be stoned in this manner you don’t need any contacts in the Narcotics department. Neither will you have to travel to some Arab country and get caught having an illegal affair.

The better news is, that if you are an engineering/management student, suffering from atrocious mess food – then you, in all probabilities, are stoned already.

How I got stoned:

To cut a long story short, I had an accident(trying to save a bloody dog) which gave me 15 stitches on my face, a broken jaw, almost grinded teeth and a drastic drop in dowry prices. It also gave me calcium imbalance and subsequently kidney stones.

But being the gentle soul that I am, I never noticed this particular ailment. Because this frigging ailment doesn’t have any noticeable symptoms. Its not like you hear clinking noises in your lower abdomen while dancing to cheesy bollywood numbers.

Chances are that if you are a chronic sufferer of gastronomical disasters(read: serial farter) like I am, then you’ll just pass this pain of being stoned as another explosion in the making.

The only difference being – there is no explosion.

So you turn around in your bed, ask your classmates to excuse you every now and then and avoid going to parties which do not have a Dj – only to realize that you have killed all joy for nothing. Zilch.

The kidney stone pain is funny. Funny because it makes you restless. You never know the exact location of the pain. You twist in your bed, roll from side to side, get up, walk but five minutes in the new position and this pain starts.

Another funny symptom is false peeing alarms. I lost 10% of my semester marks that year because of this. Another reason being that the college forgot to build bathrooms on the second and third floors.

You wait and wait and wait in the cubicles(you know what I mean) and nothing happens. Nothing. Disappointment follows and you begin asking yourself weird questions. Some people also visit websites like AskMen to check if *everything* is alright.

But being the brave soul that I am, I sidelined these concerns and took the pain head on. I also avoided painkillers because they kill the kidneys. Vicious circle I know.

And then one day it happened.

What Happened?

We(me and Subbu – a dear friend) were driving to our destinations when this pain began. Now driving with a throbbing pain in your lower abdomen(this sounds so funky) is a pain in the – well, lower abdomen. 😛

Subbu noticed I was in pain and volunteered to drop me home. But when the stones begin to roll, you have funny things in your head. So I had to stop my bike and almost passed out on the pavement. Subbu sensing trouble donned the role of a friend-in-need. We left my bike and went looking for a doctor.

The poor chap took me to the family doctor of his, who refused to attend to me citing the late hours(Nine thirty in the night, I now feel he had different plans). So Subbu took me to a notorious hospital famous for their wallet-sucking prowess. On the way he enlisted all marathi, hindi and english profanities for his family doctor. Well, learning does come in handy.

So we landed at the hospital. The nurses weren’t as cute as the one you see in Deo ads and prohibited movies. But who cared! – I was in pain and I needed medicine.

Doctors can tell your ailment by looking at your face(or purse) and the moment I told him about my pain – He took out an injection and gave me a painkiller.

When the throbbing ended, I realized what mess I am in. And then he told me that I have Kidney stones or Appendicitis and an Ultrasound will be conducted to confirm the ailment.

Now if you have seen Friends, you’ll know that an Ultrasound is like a sonar of your stomach to reveal kids in pregnant women. In no way was I prepared for this unknown ordeal that lay in my way.

The Ultra Sound:

Please don’t be fooled by the cute girl in the image below. The machine next to her looks like your old computer which had Windows 98 and wallpapers of Heidi Klum and porn in hidden folders.

It is that and more.

Now, understand this – an ultrasound is a predominantly female activity. So if you are a guy and are sitting in a waiting room waiting to get your ultrasound test done, be ready for the following:

  • It is akin to a guy waiting in a waxing parlour –  only difference being there are no screams to be heard here
  • Be prepared to tolerate disgusting looks from expectant fathers who have come here to accompany their wives
  • Be prepared to have understanding looks from expectant mothers who smile at you thinking that you are the cute husband here for your wife’s report
  • You are surrounded by posters of the latest machines – scanners which you can picture yourself entering
  • The toilet is almost  perpetually occupied because an ultrasound is done on a full bladder and the poor bladder can take only so much 🙂
  • No, you are not allowed to have beer, its water, plain water

So, when you are disguising as the husband of the pregnant imaginary wife, a ward boy will come up to you and tell you – ‘Bhai sahab paani pee lijiye aur jab peeshaab lage toh bata dijiyega’ – ‘Brother, drink loads of water and tell us when you feel an urgent need to pee’.

So much for secrecy. Now everybody will give you sympathetic ‘We understand’ looks and the ‘No kids for you, loser’ looks. It is time  you get busy doing nothing on your cellphone(this is the best opportunity to beat the Snakes high score)

Then, when you’ve had loads of Bisleri and feel that you can almost flush out the stones, the doctor will call you.

What follows is a painful, emotionally depressing process. The doc applies a gooey gel on your abdomen and then he rolls a cylindrical-alien-probe-dildo-thingy on your stomach. If he is the kinky types, his hands will go astray often and you’ll have to save your you-know-what’s dignity any possible way(which includes screaming ‘Bachao Bachao!’ and ‘Bhagwaan ke liye mujhe chhod do’)

Thankfully, my doctor didn’t find me cute enough. This tickling test ended and guess what – I had not one, not two but THREE frigging stones! Merry Christmas!

Let us call these co-ordinates A, B and C. I’ll add a picture for your reference if you are biologically challenged.

uri.png

So this Bermuda Triangle bothered me for a long time.(One year and counting) Mom once asked a doctor, “Will he need an operation?”  only to be told, “Madame, har jagah toh stones hain, kahan kahan katenge!” #FML

Now a kidney stone is a relatively harmless and common ailment. If you drink beer and water regularly you might flush the stone without any treatment. But the VIP that I am, I had three stones!

If I gulped the entire overhead tank of my apartment complex then probably I’d have flush out the stones. But I like the option of Beer – only that parents reject such roudy suggestions at home.(Damn I need a job now!)

So I need something called a Laser surgery but I cannot have it. Because I have a frigging family history of reactions to medical dyes. (I need a new body too!)

Along came the devil and suggested Homoeopathy as a course of medicine. And months later I am still stoned.

Status: The third island of the bermudas did leave my body. The problem with kidney stones is that they have only one exit and its usually very busy(and no, it does not affect your sex life :P) So I now have two stones in my kidneys and my newly-born niece has shown interest in using me as a jhunjhuna(someone please tell me what is jhunjhuna called in English?)

I am told that drinking loads of water will help cure this but then, with so few public toilets around(ones which you can enter and leave without passing out due to stench), its a difficult task. Anyway, I am still hopeful that the other two stones will also leave me alone and I keep popping white little sugar pills(read: medicine). Till then, I might as well enjoy this! 🙂


Disclaimer: This is partly a work of fiction and any resemblance to any person or organ is purely intentional. The author’s medical knowledge is limited to drawing dirty diagrams in his biology lectures and watching educational videos on Youtube. Believe everything at your own risk. If you found sexist undertones in this post, you can register a complain with the author’s girlfriend.

Source: Toshiba Picture

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