5 Things.

August 15, 2009 at 9:36 am | Posted in Bhery Phunny, New beginnings, Random Rants | 25 Comments
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Warning: Wishful Thinking ahead.


 

Well, India celebrates its 63rd Independence Day. The Prime Minister has delivered his address and has probably gone back to discuss the latest terror threat, or what his party needs to do in the next elections. The media is caught between playing stories on Indian independence and getting all and sundry to comment on SRK’s detainment in US. Mom is extremely happy because the Independence Day Celebrations at her school were rescheduled because of a rain-clogged playing ground. Dad is watching India TV and nothing that I say will force him to change the channel. And here I am, trying to figure out a title for this blog post. All in all, its just another day for India.

What does this Independence Day mean to us after all?

(and if you are tempted to point out the the spelling is wrong, well, children aren’t very good at spellings, are they?) 

But patriotism is word of the day and will be so till, I suppose, Republic day arrives(when most people don’t even know what a Republic means but would sent short messages flying here and there!) However, we definitely know what independence means, don’t we? It means we can run around closing shops on Valentine’s day claiming it is against our culture(though we might know zilch about what our culture stands for). It means we can bribe the policeman to hurry up on our passport verification and then rant about how illegal immigrants are being given false passports easily. It also means that we’ll come together whenever there is an earthquake, flood or <insert any disaster> or a war, a terrorist attack, racial abuse of an Indian in a foreign land and that we’ll part ways when there is a religious feud, riot or when some alien beings from another state infiltrate my state and attempt to ruin it.

However, there are some who celebrate this day in the true spirit of independence. They’ll watch a patriotic movie, shed some tears, tell their kids about how we got our independence. Tomorrow onwards, they’ll go to work, pay their taxes, and live their lives peacefully. Our country would have been a better place, if everybody minded his own business and stopped trying to bring ‘radical’ change.

So, on this independence day, I’ll ask myself ‘5 things’ that I like about India, ‘5 things’ that I am totally ashamed of and ‘5 things’ that my country urgently needs. Disclaimer here is that I know zilch about policy, history, politics and like. I am just another Indian, trying to make fun of issues which have already been ridiculed by the desi, the pardesi and the videsi(and I didn’t even mention Slumdog in that last line). Till the day I become a politician, these things will be my opinion, if I become one(who knows, recession does weird things to  you) these things will become a part of my party’s election manifesto(or menu card, whatever).

Sit back, relax, take a deep breath and read.(Taking a deep breath is essential because it will cure you if you are suffering from Homosexuality or Swine Flu)

 

5 things about India that I am really ashamed of:

 

1. Our politicians:

Now who isn’t ashamed of them? Be it staging useless walkouts in the Parliament, hurling microphones and papers at each other, threatening to lynch the speaker every other day, half of them having a criminal record, stretching the reservation ideas way beyond the expiry date of their usefulness, crores of rupees digested in scams, disgusting public statements – you name it, they’ve done it. *Not to mention some who want to ban English education and Computer education*

Ofcourse there are some white sheep amidst all the black ones, but shouldn’t goodness be a majority?

 

2. Page 3 pepul:

Well, Jejjus doesn’t thing that’s a typo. This is something that cannot be helped. Every nation has its share of stupid beings, we have our share too. But then, we do tend to go overboard over silicon faces and snake women a lot, don’t we?

 

3. Animosity between States:

If there is something that pisses me off bigtime then this is it. The person who coined the term ‘The United States of America’ should be called to India and felicitated.(After all, we are so good at felicitating people and high teas). A UP wallah is a UP wallah where ever he goes, a Bengali is a Bengali and a South Indian is a South Indian wherever he goes. I am a bengali, born and brought up in UP, educated in Maharashtra and who’ll probably be working down south. What bothers me is that people don’t judge people on their nature anymore but the tags that we carry – surnames, religion, driving license, birthplace. Unity can go to the dogs. Well, it has gone to the dogs.

As if there isn’t enough hatred already?

 

4. Complete disregard for civic sense:

Well, the less the said the better. Step outside, look around you and if you cannot see someone spitting on the streets, or a pile of garbage somewhere where it shouldn’t have been – please check which country you are living in. Because the one I am living in, has open garbage dumps, stray animals and their stray poop on the roads, people throwing beer cans and wrappers from speeding cars and as I call them – ‘The Compulsive Indian Spitter’. I totally propose a blanket ban on Tobacco chewing and Pan masala across the country and will blindly vote for any party which can make this a reality. Ofcourse this will kill a few people of unemployment and deny the IT department a few hundred crores in revenue(and bribe) – but it will save millions of others from oral cancer and a country from rotting death.

 

5.  <Add your dislike here>:

 

Well this is an interactive blog(wtf, I need more readers), so I’d love you to fill in this spot. I would also thank Priyaflorence, Arun Chitnis, PPrakash, OldmonkMGM and everyone else(there was hardly anyone) who responded to my questions on Twitter.

 

5 Things about India that I am totally proud of:

As the cynic in me dies a slow, peaceful death, let me enumerate things about India, that I take real pride in sharing with others.

1. The Indian Armed forces(Note: Army here stands for the Army, Air Force and Navy):

If you are not proud of the Indian Army, go die. Well, I don’t mean it but you can try dying. Because if it wasn’t for them, you’d probably be dead anyway. Four Wars(including Kargil) and counting, the Indian army hasn’t failed us yet. And I don’t think they will either. There have been goofups, a few Mig-21s here and there, the Arjun tank fiasco, Scorpene and more such notwithstanding, still for a 62 year old nation, our Army has done more than we could have asked it to do.

Enough said. Salute to the army!

 

2. The growing maturity of Bollywood:

So what if we lifted a name that sounds like Hollywood? So what that for years our actors grew up in movies in one running scene? So what if we have had sex behind flowers for ages?

Bollywood has grown and how! The Art and the Commerce h
as fused. Character actors are in vogue. Finally we are making movies on stories. I wish Satyajit Ray, Kishore Kumar and others were alive to witness this metamorphosis(did someone say ‘Kambaqt Ishq’?). All said and done, Bollywood is on a rejuvenation spree, it has never been a better mix of talent, businessmen and stupidity. Seeing the growing percentage of ‘good’ and ‘likeable’ movies, shoestring movies making waves – I have developed a new respect for the brave new Bollywood! Now all we want is an Indian director to do a Slumdog on the world. You know, make a movie with Hollywood actors, about the West, put in snide remarks about our Country and grab the Oscars. Land Ahoy!

 

3. The IT Industry:

If India has the world by its balls today, it is the sheer achievement of the IT industry(and the core industries which back them up). I agree that we are still cheap labour, but isn’t it the China way of world domination. Be cheap and sell, and when the world lives on you, raise the stakes! Much has been said on this, debated too – but I still believe that ‘bangalored’ becoming a verb is no mean achievement. One look at the treatment of Indians in Australia and other places and you can smell(well, Indians are smelly so say the people who are themselves stinking with hatred and bias) the growing unease in world.

Those who can accept the transition of India from a ‘developing’ nation to a rapidly ‘developing’ nation and have grown out of racial discrimination – I welcome  you with open hands. Others, well, I smell a lot.

 

4. The Argumentative Indian(and I am not talking about the book):

The Indian is out there, talking, discussing, debating and realizing that ‘in times of war, fight, in times of peace, reason’. There is a growing awareness in the people and blogs, newspapers, twitter, television and more – has facilitated constructive conversation. While there is still some weed around, the ‘argumentative’ Indian is on a roll, asking questions and answering them. My prayers for another intellectual revolution! Amen.

 

5. <Insert your Comment here>:

By now, I think you totally understand how badly I want you to participate in this conversation. Well, frankly I wanted to talk about the rise and fall and rise of the Indian sportsmen(and women) but I’ll leave this space blank because there are so many things that fit the bill here.

 

10 things that I badly want India to consider and change:

Advice and troubles always come in large numbers. So in a blog post title ‘5 Things’, you now have 10 things. But then you can consider this as two – ‘5 things’ – thing.(I understand that that sentence is grammatically incorrect, but so are several others in this blog post and blog)

1. Agricultural Policy:

The kid in the cartoon can be me – or it can be you too. For those of us who have grown up learning(or memorizing) that India is an agricultural country find it hard to believe that in the IT revolution, the green revolution has taken the back seat.

I know zilch about this topic – and if you are not from Delhi, Punjab or UP or some other state where agriculture is primary source of employment or there are ministers who know about it but don’t give a damn – then I suppose that you too know zilch about it. For us, I think, it is now time to Google this and talk about it and do something about it.(and no, I refuse to believe that banning computer and english education are a solution to this).

 

2. Intelligence Agencies:

Sometimes I wonder why we even call them ‘Intelligence’ agencies? I am sick and tired of reading about terror attacks and failure of intelligence agencies. I feel its high time we club a lot of things together, wipe them all and start a new intelligence system/agency/force all together – better intelligence, better technology, better forensics – something which is under the direct jurisdiction of someone mature and strong(and I don’t mean the Prime minister). But this is just a wild arrow in the air – frankly, who gives a damn?

 

3. A National Language University:

While we have our IITs and IIMs, what we can do with is a national university/college for Languages – Indian and foreign. So that I can learn Marathi(please, don’t hit me, I know Marathi.. see.. Kai Jhala?) or Tamil or Hindi, right here in my city. So that people who ignore me or abuse me just because I don’t know their language can get a better treatment from me. But discrimination isn’t the only thing we are talking here. A national language college will go a long way in protecting our scripts, our languages, our books and to some extent our cultures too.(which reminds me, we need a better ASI, a cultural history/natural history museum.. Need this.. Need that..)

 

4. Entrance Test for Politicians:

There is an entrance test for everyone – PSUs, IITs, AIIMS, IIMs, IAS – Why not one for Parliament? And we can do with some minimum eligibility criteria for politicians too.

And I am serious.

 

5. Organized Poverty:

Now this is an insane suggestion. But can we not organize the poor in our country? A first of its kind experiment. Bring together every scheme – BPL, Employment Guarantee and more such – under one banner. Build slums, let the poor be poor, but gracefully. And then let them grow out of it. Organization can really help when you are applying specific development schemes.

Well, its a wild thought, am not even sure if it is feasible, but I’d put here anyway(My blog, who cares)

 

6. A Centralized Media Agency:

I just wanted it to sound good, while all I am saying here is that now the DoorDarshan, the AIR and and entire government mouthpiece machinery needs a bigtime overhaul. So that I can turn to one channel when I want to trust news. I can go to other channels for opinion and debates, but if I want some respite from Rakhi Sawant, I can switch to Doordarshan.

 

I believe with a little(okay, not little) help from the private sector and management and media colleges, we can build DD to be something like a National Geographic(I know, I am dreaming) or something like it. Imagine, how cool would it be if your friend from US comes to India and tells you how they are trying to get access to DD to know more abou India. If you are not snoring already, think about it.

 

7. Reforms in the Education System:

No Mr. Sibbal(and I find him very very promising, better than Arjun ‘Minority’ Singh ofcourse) as of now, we don’t need a central board exam. There are bigger things to look at.

What is bothering me here is the difference between ‘Quality education’ and ‘Quantity Education’. We don’t need ‘more’ colleges. We need ‘better’ colleges. God almighty Help!!

I think you understand what I want to say here.

 

8. Reforms in the Internal Security Structure(read: The Police Force)

Well, the days of the Police Chowki are numbered(or so I f
eel). I am sick(read: sick) of seeing policewallahs with protruded bellies trying to act the saviour of this nation. Lets face it, give me a gun and I can protect myself better than a bunch of havaldars. I know the IPS trains the best officers in the best ways, but I don’t buy the theory that every police officer is capable of performing his duties(and I didn’t even mention honesty). One look at a Police Station and you doubt whether 62 years of Independence is a myth. The Police system is anything but primitive.

The Central Bureau of Investigation(and off we go on a tangent) cannot even solve the murder case of a teenager, and I feel that I am more unsafe in my home, than if I had been on the border. At least there a jawan would have sacrificed his life to save me. Not like a police wallah, who’d have sacrificed me to save his ass.

*Although this sounds very general, and to some extent demeaning to the police force, which after all is underpaid and a doll of the politicians, I don’t mean any disgrace to them. All I mean is that its time the politicians(read: the people who elect them) raise this issue and end it in a glorious fashion(there I go dreaming again, when have they ever ended anything in a glorious fashion). If this offended the sensibilities of anyone, I am partially sorry.*

 

9. A Revision Commission:

We have a Planning Commission, which, err, plans a lot of things. But plans are fragile things, they bomb, they die, they are probabilistic. China’s plan of curbing its population caused a huge age divide and it is now stuck with an large percentage of its population rapidly ageing. All I mean to say here is that if you read the Five Year Plans and their targets, you will understand what I mean.

I believe what India needs is a Revision Commission – something which is independent of changing governments – something which is dynamic. A commission which evaluates and revises all actions plans on an yearly or something basis. A Commission which concentrates on the execution and not on the theory. A commission that can tell the government straight in the face that you plans are utopian. But then, Commission rhymes so much with Corruption, doesn’t it? *There dies another dream of mine*

 

10. <Insert your BIG idea here>:

The list is huge, lets form it. Start a wiki of ideas, lets vote on them, debate them and prepare a New Age manifesto for a New India *but can we do this later? I have a job to find, Mom says I need to pay the internet bills soon*

 

Enough said. If you did survive so far: I now know that you love me completely and I’m ready to marry you! Check out the ‘Marry Me’ section in the header and register yourself now(applications on first come first served basis)

You might also like to read: Happy Independence Day and Yahan bhi hai, wahan bhi. Also one of my favorite posts – ‘Aaj Bacche School ja rahe hain’. You might also want to leave this blog and do something constructive(read: Sleep).

 

And before I forget: Happy Independence Day


All cartoons will be cross posted to www.Comicry.org

Thanks for your (un)divided attention.

25 Comments »

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  1. hats off shanthanu!

    Great work dude…!!

    Totally nailed each and every issue wit utmost clarity and honesty!!

    Jai hind!!

  2. When I say this, I say it with a very straight, serious face – The only thing that can save India is either a bloody (adj. form of blood and not any ‘other’ meaning) revolution or an alien invasion that will bind our fellow Indians together until another bowling ball of a politician sends us flying in different directions.
    There are still people out there who are willing to die for this country. We just don’t have anyone to lead us, and we know that we will mess things up if we don’t march in with a good plan >.>

    Happy Independence Day.

    (The size of the article scared me to death, but you’ve really done an awesome job with it, so I read the entire article like a good girl.)

  3. corruption illiteracy infrastucture electricity population
    more issues for u to address 🙂

  4. your post is evocative and you have brilliantly put down all the issues which needs real attention 🙂

    its high time,we stop blaming the govt and introspect to what extent,we really contribute to the betterment of our country..merely paying taxes is not enough 🙂

    lets hope for a better tomorrow 🙂

    God bless everyone 🙂

  5. The Ideal way to CHNAGE India wud be washing out these politicians who have criminal records(and bringing people like u..I am serious..u r INSPIRING)..i mean i dont understand why the oh-so-strict(like they were really?) Election Commission (read:EC) allows tickets being given ppl wid Criminal Backgrounds..Also,aren’t we supposed to have a criteria for a politician i.e post graduation(Degrees can bought anywhere)..

    one more thing i can absolutely agree on(i agree on everything,honestly..just stressing on this one more) ..is Colleges..i passed my Diploma in Info. Tech. in Maharashtra in 2008 and then we had to follow the utter non-sense Central Allotment Procedure (CAP) to get into the reserved seats for in Degree Second Year..we were young and unaware abtb the QUALITY of education by various colleges..so we went inquiring towards our seniors..even the ppl studying in the biggest Colleges..(Vivekanand,TSEC n all) said the same thing…every college has nearly same level teachers..it all depends on how well you can gather notes to write in xams ..the kinda answers that please your teachers..(or simply lengthy enough that teachers can simply turn away the pages..ticking away blindly)…and then i boil upon this thought as far as our education is concerned..we can have quality teachers..if we not only pay them according to their quality of teaching(assess them thru no. of students they have helped to improve)..but also publicizing the teaching profession as a lucrative job(Teaching is really my soul..my mom wont allow me to do dat..she thinks its not a respectable profession..what an irony..my dad is a teacher himself,albeit in a govt. school)..and another thing supporting these teachers is…EXAMINERS who have time to read the xam papers…and soon i realize that while,bringing more teachers is possible,pulling that many quality xaminers,,isn’t..the ultimate solution…kill the people..ultra high population is really the root cause of over 95% of our problems..so HOW DO WE DEAL WID OVER_OPULATION..?..should we go on and kill people just randomly..?..what’s ur thought Mr. Shantanu..!!

  6. Wonderful post! The content was fantastic and those tiny comic strips made it all the more original.

    One thing that I want badly in our country is social security. Provident funds and the like are inadequate these days. Enacting laws that force children to care for the elderly won’t help. The state needs to play a greater role in securing the lives of its citizens.

    Once again, lovely post. Subscribing to your feed now.

  7. @ Sumeet: Thank you! Jai Hind! *sounds so cliche tho* 🙂

  8. @Manimeow: Thanks for the comment! I was gonna write something on the same lines you know… Guess the cartoon ‘United we stand and then we fall’ can mean the same thing..

    But it isn’t the problem with this country only, its the problem with us too.. You know, my neighbours problem isn’t my problem as long as someone from my family isn’t hit – that attitude hearts.

    And we’ve had our share of leaders, what we need is a sketched out plan and someone with the will(and necessary political backup) to carry it out. Unfortunately in our I-pull-you-down-you-pull-me-down politics, that seems a distant dream..

    But who can stop us from dreaming eh? 😀

  9. @Manimeow: And yeah I forgot – Yayness~! for ESP!

  10. @Neerja : Well, everything that you mentioned are broad keywords, If we(that is you, me and the rest of the maddening crowd) are interested in addressing issues, we’ve got to work at the micro level. Pick up specifics and work your way upwards.

    If you think you can help, most welcome. 🙂

  11. @Nabeel(aka @Softykid):

    I doubt if I have *addressed* *all* the issues. But why don’t we come up with a list of must-haves for India and vote for the political party which satisfies most of them? 🙂

    But then our nationally-challenged-regionally-infested brothers and sisters will again find it difficult to come to a common conclusion on a definitive list.

    So mock and make merry! 😀

    Thanks for the comments.. God bless you and the country!

  12. @Uthfull:

    First of all, thanks for subscribing. You are the second follower.. yay~!! *applause*

    Well, I also feel that Social security is essential, but we can’t trust the state machinery with that responsibility. They’ve megafucked the Employment Guarantee scheme and where the money goes is anyone’s guess.

    However a PPP-NGO combination might do the trick I suppose.

    Nice thought tho. Can we see a blog post on this from your side? I’ll do the cartoons…

    Thanks for the comment too!

  13. @Navin: Hahaha.. you did suggest a very *out-of-the-fucking-box* solution to the problem.

    Lets not kill people please, Let nature do the job through AIDS, Swine Flu, droughts, floods, earthquakes…

    Also we must never snatch the chance of killing a country and its people, from our politicians.. It is there sole privilege and what they are best at.. *never*

    However,

    If we reduce the number of institutions and let private companies fund colleges, we might solve this problem. There might be much better solutions. I am only hinting.

    Don’t kill people yar, the world is already on an all time low on good people *and beautiful people* 😀

    Thanks for the comment!

  14. Whoa! the time and energy you’ve put up (read : vellapanti 😛 ) is truly truly evident!

    On a more serious note, I suppose I agree with each and every one of those points. As far as adding to it is concerned, I suppose there are countless things that could be added…

    Sports, as you’ve mentioned you were itching to add, needs consideration big time… and no I am not talking about cricket, if anything it needs an ‘under’ consideration, but others, yes!

    India’s foreign policies would probably be another, a tougher stance, a way to say ‘we-are-here-ready-to-kick-you-if-need-be’ won’t hurt! 😐

    And oh, a bit of decentralization in a few more sectors would, if anything, help India move forward.

    OK, countless things probably, but laudable obviously, as a fantastic effort… 😀

  15. @Tadka:

    Bete, the pangs of vellapanti thou shall soon know.. 😛

    And for the we-are-ready-to-kick-you-if-need-be attitude, we are almost there. But we need to learn ki Jungle mein reh ke sher se dosti karo aur zarurat pade toh baaki janwaron ki marne mein koi harz nahi. 🙂

    A few more independence days and I’ll have a good collection of posts and cartoons.. 😛

  16. Should I suggest/state/assert/talk/write (Guess I ve that much amount of right….hope R.T.I wont be questioned….)

    Number One…
    >>I was laughing while reading….

    Number Two…
    >>I am still laughing while commenting….

    Number Three…
    >>I was illuminated with the problems of our country….

    Number Four…
    >>Some movie quote—>
    “Hopeless emptiness. Now you’ve said it. Plenty of people are onto the emptiness, but it takes real guts to see the hopelessness….”

    Number Five…
    I hope you will abuse me for last one and this one which I am gonna quote…
    >>Changes are happening….They are slow…Lethargic….But indeed they are happening….And I am optimistic about it…Believe me its not starting with Big O…
    >>Sometimes its really exciting to remain boring and live life with all those problems you mentioned….

    P.S:-I didn’t vote this year too….So I am not at all eligible to comment either…This contradicts what I said earlier….

  17. @Abhishek(aka. Abhinuke):

    Number 1 and 2 I can agree with. No.3 is doubtful because,

    a.)You were already illuminated about the problems of the country(read: recession, violence and more) 😀
    b.) This isn’t a very illuminating post.. 😛

    Number 4: Good quote.. Nehru once wrote that lets remove everything and create a vacuum, but then, we won’t be able to control what fill it.

    Number 5: Lethargic changes toh I agree da, that is why I mentioned 5 things that I am proud of, but living in this isn’t all the exciting.

    I understand why you say so. The joy in avoiding cow poop while traveling is orgasmic. But I wouldn’t want that forever. I’d still live in a country where I don’t have to worry about power cuts and water logging. For excitement I can always go to a lesser nation on a holiday. Excitement after a few days, becomes routine, ugly routine.

    Thanks for you *few* words. and I won’t abuse you… 🙂 Waise Gmail pe aao.. dekhte hain.. 😀

    P.S.: I didn’t vote either. Just because I didn’t want to *and they’d not accept my name in the voter’s list*

    And your not voting doesn’t make you a sissy. Those who vote senselessly are bigger assholes I think, so no issues with me.

  18. gosh! what a post! yes i did read the ‘whole’ of it! 🙂 i feel that the major issue which is really hinderin our growth is the politicians AND us, the aam janta as such…how many children do u know really aspire to get into politics? or lets say even nda for that matter?? everyone is chasing glamorous professions as far as i can see around me…who cares anyways? do parents nowadays want their children to get into the indian army? no…hw many ppl sit 4 civil services exam? as compared to earlier days? noone wants to ‘do’ anything..we are just cribbing…and i am ashamed that i am one of them too…i agree with u on the point that there SHOULD be an enterance test 4 politicians ! ..and liked the way u presented visuals and text together 🙂 keep writing! (ps- u r in my reader now 🙂

  19. @manushee:

    Thanks for the comment. There is perhaps a reason why people don’t jump into politics. Dynasty politics and criminalization has kept a lot of good people away from it. Maybe we can put together a college for that too? eh? 😀

    Institution dedicated to political science and services. You know the whole concept of Nominated members to the house has been entirely wasted too. Because unlike engineering colleges, attendance isn’t compulsory in Parliament. *I think*

    As for army, one of my cousins died in army training, still his brother serves in the Navy. I don’t think parents don’t want their children to choose the indian army, some might but on the whole, other jobs are a lot more lucrative.. 🙂

    And thanks for putting me in your reader. Visit your reader once in a while please.. 🙂

  20. Entrance test for entering politics is the best idea I’ve read it a long time

  21. Bravo…

    seems like u have spent a lot of time on this…

    wondering how many politicians are spending at least this much time doing their duty… 😦

  22. Try being a bit formal.. and go for times of India editorial! Great post 🙂

  23. Hey brilliant post.. agree with all the points.. especially this one – We don’t “need ‘more’ colleges. We need ‘better’ colleges”. well said!

  24. wonderful post!! loved every bit of it. And I totally understand the college cartoon…being in this field 🙂

  25. To Mr. Shantanu and the rest, its really heartening that we have taken this thing seriously.
    When we look at other countries, the study in contrast becomes all the more frightening.. where are we and where are they? Forget the developed countries where civic sense and national pride are of idyllic proportions, even the Southeast countries like Malaysia and Indonesia are far ahead of us.
    I have just created a fresh orkut community for like minded people with just 1 thought..if 1000 people can tell just 10 more people, we will have 1 crore reformed Indians, and ~1% change towards a better India. Cheers all, and may more people join our crusade.


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