Daddy, Buy me a valentine!

August 31, 2009 at 6:11 pm | Posted in Unsuccessful Poems | 5 Comments
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I had a lot of trouble with
The last one you bought…
He cared, he wept – the sensitive one,
love is forever he thought…

Reality roars, Illusions whine
Daddy, Buy me a Valentine

I was hurt, you know,
I want to pass the pain…
I think I am ready, Daddy,
Ready to love again…

Something will break but everything will be fine
Daddy, Buy me a valentine…

There will be many,
Money is always sweet…
They’ll write letters, send flowers,
I trick them, they’ll treat…

You always said, the whole world is mine
Daddy, Buy me a Valentine

I want to take a plunge
Am ready for another fall…
I am craving again, badly
I want to try them all…

Sometimes, even lust feels so divine
Daddy, Buy me a valentine

Tag-oo Tiger

August 20, 2009 at 2:56 pm | Posted in Bhery Phunny, Random Rants, The-category-that-must-not-be-named | 4 Comments
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Warning: Tag Ahead.


1. What time did you get up this morning?

I went to sleep when morning hadn’t begun, that would be around 4.30. I woke up at 2 in the afternoon, so I am not qualified to answer this question.

2. How do you like your steak?

*googles for steak* I don’t like ‘My’ steak. If its some other animal, then I don’t mind.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?

Harry Potter and the Half Baked Movie.

4. What is your favorite TV show?

F.R.I.E.N.D.S (If you ask why, I am gonna kill you with my RSS feed)

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?

Anywhere with uninterrupted electricity, water supply, high speed internet and some trees thrown in for the environment consciousness.

6. What did you have for breakfast?

No morning. No breakfast.

7. What is your favorite cuisine?

Punjabi! Good on the whole, better in the… you know the joke.

8. What foods do you dislike?

Anything which looks green and threatens to kill me if I don’t eat it. I like foods which say ‘ Have me and you shall die a happy death’

9. Favorite Place to Eat?

Usually the dining room. I hate eating in the bathroom.

11. What kind of vehicle do you drive?

I used to drive a military vehicle manufactured by Hero Motors called Hero Puch Smart. I made me look anything but smart. It had 4 gears and died in 2 years. I sold it for 1100 Rs.

Then I bought a Hero Honda CD Deluxe and have a girlfriend ever since.

12. What are your favorite clothes?

I have this red shirt I’ve been wearing ever since I was in class 8th.(which also means I haven’t grown much). And no, contrary to what you think – I did wash it often.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?

Brad and Angelina’s house. Don’t ask me ‘when’.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? ???

My cup is usually cracked. So mostly its empty.

15. Where would you want to retire?

Hmm. Stay with my in-laws. Ghar-Jamai!(my gf will kill me if she reads this)

16. Favorite time of day?

The Night.

17. Where were you born?

In a room called ‘OT’ with a red night bulb, in this hospital called ‘Kulwanti’ in this village-aka-town callled Kanpur.

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?

Mudslinging *is that a sport?*

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?

My parents. They don’t even know what a tag means.

20. Person you expect to tag you back first?

Anyone who is as jobless as I am. Or as insane.

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?

Well, I am curious about Kim Kardashian’s response, but I didn’t tag her.

22. Bird watcher?

Ofcourse. I watch the birds and whales on Twitter all the time. and Bird watching is a national sport too. I represent my district in the national team of ‘Bird Watchers’

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?

I am a night person who often becomes a morning person

24. Do you have any pets?

Nope. My pets have me.

25. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share?

Doctor said I’ll never become pregnant. *sniff*

26. What did you want to be when you were little?

An adult. Now that I am an adult, I want to be a kid again. *I know, routine answer, but watching adult movies is not fun when you are an adult*

27. What is your best childhood memory?

In my kindergarten days I offered a girl some ‘Poppins’ *a kind of sweet candy if you may wonder*. She took them and said ‘why are you so dark looking?*. And I told her that you are fair but covered in shit *In broken bengali and hindi, but I think she got the message* Then I stood first in class and would have shown her the middle finger, had I knew how cool that is, then.

28. Are you a cat or dog person?

Say no to cruelty to animals. Kill humans instead. *My question to the tag maker, are you  a sane or insane person?*

29. Are you married?

No. But one day I will be. And so will everyone. Marriages and disasters doesn’t spare anyone!

30. Always wear your seat belt?

YES. Though my bike doesn’t have any. I once rolled out of a car because I wasn’t wearing a seat belt and my friend was a retired-F1 driver’s reincarnation. Since then I’ve always worn seat belts.

31. Been in a car accident?

Nope. But I once crashed my bike trying to save a dog. Got 15 stitches on my face and my dowry prices fell sharper than the sensex. *shudders*

32. Any pet peeves?

*googles for pet peeves* No. No pets. No peeves.

33. Favourite Pizza Toppings?

Cheese and onion and capsicum. And more cheese and onion and capsicum. *repeat till death*

34. Favourite Flower?

Cauliflower. You can gift it to anyone without worrying about red, white or yellow color codes. If they don’t like it, you can always take it back and cook it. Doesn’t require a vase and can be used in place of a volleyball.

35. Favourite ice cream?

Death by Chocolate!

36. Favourite fast food restaurant?

Makkhan Singh ki Biryani @Kanpur *end of story*

37. How many times did you fail your driver’s test?

Never. Always bribed my way in.

38. From whom did you get your last email?

Spam from some asshole called Ian Del Carmen

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?

The only card I have is from Titan Signet. Dunno why I have it though.

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?

Hmm… Made a wallpaper. Went out of the house for the first time in 15 days and many more things..

41. Happy with your job?

I’ll be happy the day I have one.

42. Broccoli?

Nope. E Coli rather.

43. What was your favorite vacation?

A trip to Nainital and Kausani with Di, Jiju and family. Never had a better time! *I can give genuine answers, really*

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?

Fifteen school friends during a reunion.

45. What are you listening to right now?

And what is ‘right now’?

46. What is your favorite color?

Depends totally on my mood. Right now it will be red.

47. How many tattoos do you have?

*Counting* None. Had a temporary guitar made once, will try to make it permanent sometime.

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?

Anyone who hasn’t been tagged. Tagging is good for health. It saves dolphins and tigers, can save humans too!

49. In What time did you finish this quiz?

I took all the time in the world, after all I have nothing better to do!

50. Coffee Drinker?

Nope. Coffee Gulper *and thats the stupidest 50th question ever*

I tag: You, you and  yes, you too!!! Tag tag tag.! Tag everyone and get a free t-shirt from our earthquake relief materials.


Image Credits: Bird

5 Things.

August 15, 2009 at 9:36 am | Posted in Bhery Phunny, New beginnings, Random Rants | 25 Comments
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Warning: Wishful Thinking ahead.


 

Well, India celebrates its 63rd Independence Day. The Prime Minister has delivered his address and has probably gone back to discuss the latest terror threat, or what his party needs to do in the next elections. The media is caught between playing stories on Indian independence and getting all and sundry to comment on SRK’s detainment in US. Mom is extremely happy because the Independence Day Celebrations at her school were rescheduled because of a rain-clogged playing ground. Dad is watching India TV and nothing that I say will force him to change the channel. And here I am, trying to figure out a title for this blog post. All in all, its just another day for India.

What does this Independence Day mean to us after all?

(and if you are tempted to point out the the spelling is wrong, well, children aren’t very good at spellings, are they?) 

But patriotism is word of the day and will be so till, I suppose, Republic day arrives(when most people don’t even know what a Republic means but would sent short messages flying here and there!) However, we definitely know what independence means, don’t we? It means we can run around closing shops on Valentine’s day claiming it is against our culture(though we might know zilch about what our culture stands for). It means we can bribe the policeman to hurry up on our passport verification and then rant about how illegal immigrants are being given false passports easily. It also means that we’ll come together whenever there is an earthquake, flood or <insert any disaster> or a war, a terrorist attack, racial abuse of an Indian in a foreign land and that we’ll part ways when there is a religious feud, riot or when some alien beings from another state infiltrate my state and attempt to ruin it.

However, there are some who celebrate this day in the true spirit of independence. They’ll watch a patriotic movie, shed some tears, tell their kids about how we got our independence. Tomorrow onwards, they’ll go to work, pay their taxes, and live their lives peacefully. Our country would have been a better place, if everybody minded his own business and stopped trying to bring ‘radical’ change.

So, on this independence day, I’ll ask myself ‘5 things’ that I like about India, ‘5 things’ that I am totally ashamed of and ‘5 things’ that my country urgently needs. Disclaimer here is that I know zilch about policy, history, politics and like. I am just another Indian, trying to make fun of issues which have already been ridiculed by the desi, the pardesi and the videsi(and I didn’t even mention Slumdog in that last line). Till the day I become a politician, these things will be my opinion, if I become one(who knows, recession does weird things to  you) these things will become a part of my party’s election manifesto(or menu card, whatever).

Sit back, relax, take a deep breath and read.(Taking a deep breath is essential because it will cure you if you are suffering from Homosexuality or Swine Flu)

 

5 things about India that I am really ashamed of:

 

1. Our politicians:

Now who isn’t ashamed of them? Be it staging useless walkouts in the Parliament, hurling microphones and papers at each other, threatening to lynch the speaker every other day, half of them having a criminal record, stretching the reservation ideas way beyond the expiry date of their usefulness, crores of rupees digested in scams, disgusting public statements – you name it, they’ve done it. *Not to mention some who want to ban English education and Computer education*

Ofcourse there are some white sheep amidst all the black ones, but shouldn’t goodness be a majority?

 

2. Page 3 pepul:

Well, Jejjus doesn’t thing that’s a typo. This is something that cannot be helped. Every nation has its share of stupid beings, we have our share too. But then, we do tend to go overboard over silicon faces and snake women a lot, don’t we?

 

3. Animosity between States:

If there is something that pisses me off bigtime then this is it. The person who coined the term ‘The United States of America’ should be called to India and felicitated.(After all, we are so good at felicitating people and high teas). A UP wallah is a UP wallah where ever he goes, a Bengali is a Bengali and a South Indian is a South Indian wherever he goes. I am a bengali, born and brought up in UP, educated in Maharashtra and who’ll probably be working down south. What bothers me is that people don’t judge people on their nature anymore but the tags that we carry – surnames, religion, driving license, birthplace. Unity can go to the dogs. Well, it has gone to the dogs.

As if there isn’t enough hatred already?

 

4. Complete disregard for civic sense:

Well, the less the said the better. Step outside, look around you and if you cannot see someone spitting on the streets, or a pile of garbage somewhere where it shouldn’t have been – please check which country you are living in. Because the one I am living in, has open garbage dumps, stray animals and their stray poop on the roads, people throwing beer cans and wrappers from speeding cars and as I call them – ‘The Compulsive Indian Spitter’. I totally propose a blanket ban on Tobacco chewing and Pan masala across the country and will blindly vote for any party which can make this a reality. Ofcourse this will kill a few people of unemployment and deny the IT department a few hundred crores in revenue(and bribe) – but it will save millions of others from oral cancer and a country from rotting death.

 

5.  <Add your dislike here>:

 

Well this is an interactive blog(wtf, I need more readers), so I’d love you to fill in this spot. I would also thank Priyaflorence, Arun Chitnis, PPrakash, OldmonkMGM and everyone else(there was hardly anyone) who responded to my questions on Twitter.

 

5 Things about India that I am totally proud of:

As the cynic in me dies a slow, peaceful death, let me enumerate things about India, that I take real pride in sharing with others.

1. The Indian Armed forces(Note: Army here stands for the Army, Air Force and Navy):

If you are not proud of the Indian Army, go die. Well, I don’t mean it but you can try dying. Because if it wasn’t for them, you’d probably be dead anyway. Four Wars(including Kargil) and counting, the Indian army hasn’t failed us yet. And I don’t think they will either. There have been goofups, a few Mig-21s here and there, the Arjun tank fiasco, Scorpene and more such notwithstanding, still for a 62 year old nation, our Army has done more than we could have asked it to do.

Enough said. Salute to the army!

 

2. The growing maturity of Bollywood:

So what if we lifted a name that sounds like Hollywood? So what that for years our actors grew up in movies in one running scene? So what if we have had sex behind flowers for ages?

Bollywood has grown and how! The Art and the Commerce h
as fused. Character actors are in vogue. Finally we are making movies on stories. I wish Satyajit Ray, Kishore Kumar and others were alive to witness this metamorphosis(did someone say ‘Kambaqt Ishq’?). All said and done, Bollywood is on a rejuvenation spree, it has never been a better mix of talent, businessmen and stupidity. Seeing the growing percentage of ‘good’ and ‘likeable’ movies, shoestring movies making waves – I have developed a new respect for the brave new Bollywood! Now all we want is an Indian director to do a Slumdog on the world. You know, make a movie with Hollywood actors, about the West, put in snide remarks about our Country and grab the Oscars. Land Ahoy!

 

3. The IT Industry:

If India has the world by its balls today, it is the sheer achievement of the IT industry(and the core industries which back them up). I agree that we are still cheap labour, but isn’t it the China way of world domination. Be cheap and sell, and when the world lives on you, raise the stakes! Much has been said on this, debated too – but I still believe that ‘bangalored’ becoming a verb is no mean achievement. One look at the treatment of Indians in Australia and other places and you can smell(well, Indians are smelly so say the people who are themselves stinking with hatred and bias) the growing unease in world.

Those who can accept the transition of India from a ‘developing’ nation to a rapidly ‘developing’ nation and have grown out of racial discrimination – I welcome  you with open hands. Others, well, I smell a lot.

 

4. The Argumentative Indian(and I am not talking about the book):

The Indian is out there, talking, discussing, debating and realizing that ‘in times of war, fight, in times of peace, reason’. There is a growing awareness in the people and blogs, newspapers, twitter, television and more – has facilitated constructive conversation. While there is still some weed around, the ‘argumentative’ Indian is on a roll, asking questions and answering them. My prayers for another intellectual revolution! Amen.

 

5. <Insert your Comment here>:

By now, I think you totally understand how badly I want you to participate in this conversation. Well, frankly I wanted to talk about the rise and fall and rise of the Indian sportsmen(and women) but I’ll leave this space blank because there are so many things that fit the bill here.

 

10 things that I badly want India to consider and change:

Advice and troubles always come in large numbers. So in a blog post title ‘5 Things’, you now have 10 things. But then you can consider this as two – ‘5 things’ – thing.(I understand that that sentence is grammatically incorrect, but so are several others in this blog post and blog)

1. Agricultural Policy:

The kid in the cartoon can be me – or it can be you too. For those of us who have grown up learning(or memorizing) that India is an agricultural country find it hard to believe that in the IT revolution, the green revolution has taken the back seat.

I know zilch about this topic – and if you are not from Delhi, Punjab or UP or some other state where agriculture is primary source of employment or there are ministers who know about it but don’t give a damn – then I suppose that you too know zilch about it. For us, I think, it is now time to Google this and talk about it and do something about it.(and no, I refuse to believe that banning computer and english education are a solution to this).

 

2. Intelligence Agencies:

Sometimes I wonder why we even call them ‘Intelligence’ agencies? I am sick and tired of reading about terror attacks and failure of intelligence agencies. I feel its high time we club a lot of things together, wipe them all and start a new intelligence system/agency/force all together – better intelligence, better technology, better forensics – something which is under the direct jurisdiction of someone mature and strong(and I don’t mean the Prime minister). But this is just a wild arrow in the air – frankly, who gives a damn?

 

3. A National Language University:

While we have our IITs and IIMs, what we can do with is a national university/college for Languages – Indian and foreign. So that I can learn Marathi(please, don’t hit me, I know Marathi.. see.. Kai Jhala?) or Tamil or Hindi, right here in my city. So that people who ignore me or abuse me just because I don’t know their language can get a better treatment from me. But discrimination isn’t the only thing we are talking here. A national language college will go a long way in protecting our scripts, our languages, our books and to some extent our cultures too.(which reminds me, we need a better ASI, a cultural history/natural history museum.. Need this.. Need that..)

 

4. Entrance Test for Politicians:

There is an entrance test for everyone – PSUs, IITs, AIIMS, IIMs, IAS – Why not one for Parliament? And we can do with some minimum eligibility criteria for politicians too.

And I am serious.

 

5. Organized Poverty:

Now this is an insane suggestion. But can we not organize the poor in our country? A first of its kind experiment. Bring together every scheme – BPL, Employment Guarantee and more such – under one banner. Build slums, let the poor be poor, but gracefully. And then let them grow out of it. Organization can really help when you are applying specific development schemes.

Well, its a wild thought, am not even sure if it is feasible, but I’d put here anyway(My blog, who cares)

 

6. A Centralized Media Agency:

I just wanted it to sound good, while all I am saying here is that now the DoorDarshan, the AIR and and entire government mouthpiece machinery needs a bigtime overhaul. So that I can turn to one channel when I want to trust news. I can go to other channels for opinion and debates, but if I want some respite from Rakhi Sawant, I can switch to Doordarshan.

 

I believe with a little(okay, not little) help from the private sector and management and media colleges, we can build DD to be something like a National Geographic(I know, I am dreaming) or something like it. Imagine, how cool would it be if your friend from US comes to India and tells you how they are trying to get access to DD to know more abou India. If you are not snoring already, think about it.

 

7. Reforms in the Education System:

No Mr. Sibbal(and I find him very very promising, better than Arjun ‘Minority’ Singh ofcourse) as of now, we don’t need a central board exam. There are bigger things to look at.

What is bothering me here is the difference between ‘Quality education’ and ‘Quantity Education’. We don’t need ‘more’ colleges. We need ‘better’ colleges. God almighty Help!!

I think you understand what I want to say here.

 

8. Reforms in the Internal Security Structure(read: The Police Force)

Well, the days of the Police Chowki are numbered(or so I f
eel). I am sick(read: sick) of seeing policewallahs with protruded bellies trying to act the saviour of this nation. Lets face it, give me a gun and I can protect myself better than a bunch of havaldars. I know the IPS trains the best officers in the best ways, but I don’t buy the theory that every police officer is capable of performing his duties(and I didn’t even mention honesty). One look at a Police Station and you doubt whether 62 years of Independence is a myth. The Police system is anything but primitive.

The Central Bureau of Investigation(and off we go on a tangent) cannot even solve the murder case of a teenager, and I feel that I am more unsafe in my home, than if I had been on the border. At least there a jawan would have sacrificed his life to save me. Not like a police wallah, who’d have sacrificed me to save his ass.

*Although this sounds very general, and to some extent demeaning to the police force, which after all is underpaid and a doll of the politicians, I don’t mean any disgrace to them. All I mean is that its time the politicians(read: the people who elect them) raise this issue and end it in a glorious fashion(there I go dreaming again, when have they ever ended anything in a glorious fashion). If this offended the sensibilities of anyone, I am partially sorry.*

 

9. A Revision Commission:

We have a Planning Commission, which, err, plans a lot of things. But plans are fragile things, they bomb, they die, they are probabilistic. China’s plan of curbing its population caused a huge age divide and it is now stuck with an large percentage of its population rapidly ageing. All I mean to say here is that if you read the Five Year Plans and their targets, you will understand what I mean.

I believe what India needs is a Revision Commission – something which is independent of changing governments – something which is dynamic. A commission which evaluates and revises all actions plans on an yearly or something basis. A Commission which concentrates on the execution and not on the theory. A commission that can tell the government straight in the face that you plans are utopian. But then, Commission rhymes so much with Corruption, doesn’t it? *There dies another dream of mine*

 

10. <Insert your BIG idea here>:

The list is huge, lets form it. Start a wiki of ideas, lets vote on them, debate them and prepare a New Age manifesto for a New India *but can we do this later? I have a job to find, Mom says I need to pay the internet bills soon*

 

Enough said. If you did survive so far: I now know that you love me completely and I’m ready to marry you! Check out the ‘Marry Me’ section in the header and register yourself now(applications on first come first served basis)

You might also like to read: Happy Independence Day and Yahan bhi hai, wahan bhi. Also one of my favorite posts – ‘Aaj Bacche School ja rahe hain’. You might also want to leave this blog and do something constructive(read: Sleep).

 

And before I forget: Happy Independence Day


All cartoons will be cross posted to www.Comicry.org

Thanks for your (un)divided attention.

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