How to make a Yash Raj Film?

July 19, 2009 at 11:12 am | Posted in Bhery Phunny, Chuninda, How To - DIY Guides | 23 Comments
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We just got featured on Blog Adda Blog!

Was watching Pride on Star Movies today when I realized – how Hollywood manages to churn out one good sport movie after another – stories which in essence are similar – in execution completely different. And how we make a Chak De once in a while and rejoice like we just peed on Everest. Which forced me to think, how one of the biggest production houses in India and 27th in the World, churns out formula movies which are essentially crap.

So today we do a DIY on How to make a Yash Raj Film:

How to make a Yash Raj Film?

Follow these steps:

Find a Hero:

1. Choose minimum one and maximum two: Shah Rukh Khan/Saif Ali Khan/Abhishek Bacchan/John Abraham/Ranbir Kapoor/Amitabh Bacchan

1.a If above are not available, Choose one: Hrithik Roshan/Aamir Khan/Akshay Kumar

1.b If nobody is available Choose: Uday Chopra

Find Heroine:

1. Choose one: Preity Zinta/Rani Mukherjee else Choose: Priyanka Chopra/Aishwarya Rai/

1.a If Saif is acting Choose: Kareena Kapoor or someone she is friends with

1.b If Ranbeer is acting Choose: Dipika Padukone

1.c If above are not available Choose: Tanisha

1.d If Tanisha is also not available: Ask Kajol if she’ll do a role

1.e Last resort: Borrow Katrina from Sallu

Find Supporting Actor:

1. Choose one: Bobby Deol/Jimmy Shergill/Arshad Warsi

1.a Else Choose any Tom Dick and Harry and give him a freaky look

Find Supporting Actress:

1. Choose one: Lara Dutta/Bipasha Basu/Minnisha Lamba

1.a Else ask Konkana if she’s free

Music:

1. Find a music director

2. Find four foreign locations to shoot a song

3. Have one song with Bikini

4. Add one family song

5. Add one pub/item song – Ask if Ameesha Patel is working

Dance:

1. Ask Vaibhavi Merchant if she’s not judging any show

1.a Else let anybody do the dance sequence(get someone for Hrithik though)

1.b If Shah Rukh is there, leave it to him – the King always does the same steps anyway

2. Add hundreds of backup dancers in every song so that nobody notices the wrinkles on Preity’s or Bobby’s face

Styling:

1.Add loads of colour

2. Pick at least 40 dresses which show cleavage

3. Add loads of colour to everything even if its a small town crook from UP

4. Get zazzy hairstyles which make Vinay Pathak look gay or Shah Rukh look like a transvestite

Miscellaneous:

1. Add some kids to the story

2. Spend more money on promoting the film than making it

3. Once in a while make an animation film which sucks equally

By the way, did we mention story? Once in a while they actually have one so they make a Chak De or a Kabul Express.

Coming Soon: How to make an Anurag Kashyap movie?


Image Courtesy: Wikipedia via. http://www1.yashrajfilms.com/news/officeshift.htm

23 Comments »

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  1. Awesome! I’m gonna RT this link.

    ROFL @
    Find Supporting Actor:
    1. Choose one: Bobby Deol/Jimmy Shergill/Arshad Warsi
    1.a Else Choose any Tom Dick and Harry and give him a freaky look

    I suppose that’s usually how they go about doing it.

  2. LOL 😀 looking forward to reading how to make a Karan Johar movie 🙂

  3. Hahaha.. definitely.. one movie house at a time.. 😛

  4. LOL!! Great article!

    1.b If nobody is available Choose: Uday Chopra
    Bechara Uday… If he reads this , he will take sanyas from films (If he has any!)

  5. @Manisha: Thanks.. I believe they are the real ‘factory’.. RGV at least has better stories(did someone say ‘Aag’.. 😛
    @Reema: Though I’ve already replied.. all in good time.
    @Honeymesh: That dude can act he’s given a script.. no body bothers to give him any…

  6. […] : Shantanu Adhichary What : How to make a Yash Raj Film Tangy: Most of the film buffs are a big fan of Yash Raj films. Shantanu in this very (should we say […]

  7. Hahah ROFL!

    1.b If nobody is available Choose: Uday Chopra

    1.b If Shah Rukh is there, leave it to him – the King always does the same steps anyway

    4. Get zazzy hairstyles which make Vinay Pathak look gay or Shah Rukh look like a transvestite

  8. Hila diya hai, ekdum badhiya se kholke maara hai. LOL.

    Genius formulafication of the popcorn churning machine that is YRF.

    The question is, how did I not think of it first. Hehe.

    Cheers!
    Sujoy

  9. @Manan: Thanks dude! Karan Johar next.. 😛

    @ Sojoy: I just happened to intercept your genius thoughtstream.. 😛 Glad you all liked it..

  10. Was reading a well appreciated and humorous post when I realized how Blog-hood manages to churn out one good blog post after another-posts which in essence are all similar, -in execution differently chutiyamatic. And how Shantanu writes an OK post once in a while and rejoice like he just humped Rakhi Sawant. Which forced me to think how one of the biggest blog house In India and nowhere in the world, churns out formula posts which are essentially crap and still promotes them on Twitter.
    So today we do a DIY on how to make a humorous bollywood blog post:

    Follow these steps:

    Find a heading:
    1.Choose minimum one and maximum two: Yashraj/Teri maa err Dharma Productions/Factory/Sanjay Leela Bhansali/ UTV

    1.a. If above are not fully mastered, Choose one- Mahesh Manjrekar, White Feathers/ Ashtha Vinayak
    1.b. If none is understood choose: Vishesh Films(Mahesh Bhatt)

    Add Humour:
    1.Choose one: Silly to some/ Silly to many
    1.a If it’s silly to some chances are it’ll be refreshing to many.
    I.b If it’s refreshing to many it’ll find mention in a mutual ‘you scratch mine I’ll scratch yours hub’ viz Blogadda.
    1.c If Blogadda says it’s funny all will agree. What else phonies are supposed to do?
    1.d If all do laugh, off course they do, they laughed at Partner and they laughed at Singh is King, then all do laugh. All jerks in fact love to laugh at their own selves.
    1.e. Last resort, they laugh even when they have no idea of what the hell is going on. At this moment they don’t know if it’s a serious concern for blogging I am writing about or its a personal vendetta for a fellow ‘suck-sucks-ful’ blogger or both or it’s seriously meant to laugh. Since they have no idea, they’ll laugh. But since I have predicted they will laugh, they will not laugh. In fact they are trying to laugh but they are finding no hint of a laugh. And when they don’t laugh, they start Alaap. They will shout “maaf karo my baap” and to this my reply is “Mere Baap pehle Aap.”

    Build momentum through comments.
    1. Choose one: Reply all -ROFF/ ROFL/ROFP people (ROFF=ROF Farting, ROFL=ROF Leaking, ROFP=ROF trying to Piss)
    1.a Else share your personal constipation tragedy once more.

    Add Ons:
    1. Put your ugly picture. People will laugh, Johny Lever counseled him on this.
    1.a Else add your silly beard and try to act like real hunk, people will laugh, this he learnt from Watching Uday Chopra.
    1.b If hunk histrionics is not enough, keep reminding them picture is there only to laugh.
    2. But if you really want readers to laugh at everything and everything-Just write in your introduction that you drove MOPED for a good few years. That image of moped has a long lasting appeal even more than ‘DDLJ on Maratha Mandir.’ Now, everything he would write people will think and that’s the same man, who didn’t know that driving Luna was the biggest joke that no command over sarcasm would wash. So, people don’t just crib about me being harsh “Just imagine him on Luna” Even Rakhi Sawant on her swayamavar said-Rikshawale ke saath shadi kar sakti hun parr Luna wale ke saath nahi.
    Styling;
    Give a look to the template as black as your complexion and just write it.
    Add 40 other colors all black or similar to black or just like black..

    But since still none has an idea if it was a serious stuff or my personal frustration, I just say ‘once a Luna-man always a Luna-man’

  11. Wow! That comment is something..
    And all this shit just because I said I’ll write anything I want against Anurag Kashyap?
    Lets deal with all you’ve got to say, one turd at a time:

    1. ‘Shantanu writes an OK post once in a while’ – Look who’s judging – the God of blogging himself – Lord Ajay – who is so kicked up by this piece of shit I wrote that he comes here and rips this post apart. And yeah – if you really find a kick in humping Rakhi Sawant – go ahead and ask her – she doesn’t get the intellectual kinds often.

    2. My idea of a formula post are very different – formula posts are like the ones you have on your blog – where you post conversations every now and then – to show what a supermortal you are and how others are just dickheads. Now that is my idea of a formula post.

    3. You believe this humour is silly – guess what – I also believe the same – so like me, take that little ‘X’ in red at the top right corner and get the fuck out of here. Don’t shit in the comment box.

    4. You believe Blog Adda is a ‘you scratch mine I’ll scratch yours hub’ – so thats why you put a Blog Adda badge on your blog. Why are you so angy? – because they didn’t scratch your bum? Well, ask them – they just might.

    5. “If Blog Adda says its funny all will do – what else are phonies supposed to do?” – Phonies like you who go to Blog Adda to find new pieces they can vent their ire on? If Blog Adda thinks its funny its their prerogative – they never forced their opinion on you. For that matter I never asked for your comment. You offered your ‘cheap’ services.

    6. By calling me a ‘fellow’ ‘suck-sucks-ful’ blogger, are you trying to say that you are ‘suck-sucks-ful’ too? Wow, we are so blinded that we could not notice how ‘suck-ful’ you are.

    7. And yeah, people will laugh at you anyway. They have always been, haven’t they – I read it somewhere(oops. Everywhere) on your blog.

    8. Build momentum through comments- Hmm, now when did I build momentum? Let me see. I don’t know if you are not aware(or decidedly ignorant) that I didn’t submit my post to Blog Adda – I didn’t even put up their banner, see? – they selected it.

    9. Ahh you created a new acronym – ROFP-thinking that people will smile when they read it and say – wow, this dude knows something – well they are smiling, but the reason is somewhat different I suppose.

    10. ‘Share your personal constipation tragedy’ – This comes from a man whose blog is full of his puking adventures, that really means something.

    And as if these were not enough, you got down to some personal bashing. Now where have I met a troll like you before?

    – You think my pic is ugly, well can’t help it, I was born so. But at least my words are not as ugly as I am.
    – You have a problem with my hair which you think makes me look like a hunk. Well, I don’t think that even deserves a reply.
    – You think ‘driving a moped’ is a shame. And boy! do you love Rakhi Sawant, you go by her words so much. Well, if Rakhi really said that, I’ll drive a moped for the res t of my life.
    – As if you couldn’t stoop further, you comment on my complexion. You know what a nail in a coffin is? That is.

    Let me tell you something. To write this entire comment I read your entire blog. All posts, all comments. Just like you read my about me so that you can get some shitty points to flaunt your sarcasm.

    You know what, I cannot hate you. Because you write well and maybe you mean well. But the way you go about it isn’t probably the right way.

    You think you are the angel of sarcasm, wait till you meet your match, unfortunately thats not me. It takes a lot of balls to pull off racists jokes and I only have two.

    You do all this just because I say I’ll speak my mind – just because I wrote I’ll do a post on Anurag Kashyap next and you thought I’ll ridicule him. If only you weren’t moronic and had waited, I wanted to do a similar post to compare Anurag Kashyap’s style with Yash Raj. How he begins with a story, takes care of the music and how he immerses his soul into everything he makes. His works are cult favourites, he created a new generation of music, he gave India the best brass band song and the only authentic hindi rock song ever.
    I’ll just quote your tweet here:

    ajayrathee@shan_adhicary Yashraj shit is ok but read ithttp://bit.ly/174Jbg b4 taking on kashyap. u’ll forget all sarcasm metells u if u dont listen

    ajayrathee@shan_adhicary read it http://bit.ly/iJQIq to see what’s in store for you if u act like real cool..mr. two dots is me BTW there

    And when I tell you I’ll write a post in his favour – then you are willing to pass it on, make it famous. Then I’m not building momentum eh? No ROFP?

    ajayrathee@shan_adhicary get ur balls ready & publish my follow up comment, if you think you are that cool and you can write anything dirty on Kashyap

    ajayrathee@shan_adhicary “wo bana hai bana usse Jhaat farak nahi padta haan agar tune uski baat nahi mani tere makbare pe Taj Mahal Jaroor ban jayega”

    ajayrathee@shan_adhicary Man , if you are grown up just approve my comments and this was in haste not excuse just telling

    ajayrathee@shan_adhicary I meant everythinh haste I said as i don’t give a damn about Yashraj..was just telling u same wont be the case wrt Kashyap

    I’ll tell you something – FUCK OFF!

    I don’t take dictations from anyone. I don’t want a warthog telling me what to write and what not. If you can’t take opinion go fuck yourself(and I mean it). This is no Orkut Community where you can say anything. This is my blog and I’ll write whatever I want.

    To prove what a cheap double standard you are, I quote your own words from you blog:

    – I shall try not to bug people who like to mind their own business
    – My conclusion is every written piece with one’s own imagination is special

    So respect your own words and mind your own business.
    And one last piece of advice – Stop trying to be like Howard Roark – you are not an iota of what he was – just being a struggler doesn’t make you a Roark – read that book again and again and again till you get the message completely.

    You can keep shitting here, I won’t block you. But I won’t respond to any of this shit again. I’ve wasted a lot of my time and have come to a conclusion that faggots like you don’t deserve this attention.

    And I’m blocking you on twitter once you get my tweet about this reply.

    Regards.

    Shantanu.

  12. Dhanayawaad. ek baat batau mere poora blog to aaj tak maine bhi nahi pada…

    Grow up man. Anyways don’t hide your intellectual impotency in the name of decency. By writing on A..B…C you should prepare yourself for the same….

    I was just trying to throw you some different shit, which your target audience may never. In last month, you are the fourth person to block me and I liked you all for one thing or another. Wish you good for your stuff….

    but please don’t talk about Roark and think again about this rationality thing….and if possible try to read again the entire shit of today..and see was there any rationality…or was it pure frustration, fanaticism or trolling……

    either way “Frankly, my dear I don’t give a damn”

  13. Hahah, I feel bad for you man.

    but I must admit that lil war of words in yor comment space is a hoot!
    It takes away all the focus from the post.

    I hope this continues for a few more spats…..

  14. @ Max: Don’t feel bad for us dude.. A war would have been a disgrace to our sensibilities so it ends here. Don’t play the wicked aunt 😛

    Have fun and yeah… come here for the blog.. or the comments.. not for the masala.. you can turn to your tv if you want some bitching.. spare the blog please..

    Cheers!

    (P.S.: Your blog looks nice.. will read it sometime..)

  15. Ha ha 🙂 Amisha Patel for Item song!!!
    BTW, you have nice blog. Awesome creativity.

  16. hi
    sir i m vikram i would like to work in your yash raj flim behind the camera if u help me, my numbers **********……
    ********* i m sorry 2 provide the wrong website address 2 u because i dont have any website actually i dont have money and i dont have any work can u help me reqarding this i want some work in front or behind the camera ,,waiting answer please…

    • Dear Vikram,

      Sorry to disappoint you but I can’t help you.
      I DONT work for YRF. I just wrote about them.

      Again, if you don’t have money, please stop wasting it on Internet.
      Try your luck elsewhere, maybe the official YRF websites or write to some filmstar.

      I hope you understand.

      Regards.

      Shantanu

  17. Awesome post. ROFL! I might actually end up searching for all these things in the next Yashraj production I see.

    One of my observations:

    For supporting actor: choose anybody who wants to direct a film in the near future, and will grab the role for free.

    • Jugal *wink* Hans Raj.. 🙂

  18. […] How to make a Yash Raj Film? […]

  19. […] How to make a Yash Raj Film? […]

  20. Stick to watching Anurag’s gay indie films you Niche indiefag

    Nobody cares what morons like you or the gigantic inferioty complex RETARDS on PFC think.


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