There goes a thought..

Nominees for Nobel Peace Prize 2010

Disclaimer: All in good humor(or something like it)

Well, the Nobel Peace Prize for the year 2009 has gone to Barack Obama. Congratulations to him! Hillary Clinton has also accepted the fact that she should have tried harder for the presidential seat. And in a few months, the move to nominate the candidates for 2010 will begin.

We at TGAT, being the good samaritans that we are, have prepared a list of nominees for the Peace prize of 2010 and will soon forward the same to the committee. Here we give you a sneak peek into our list.

Feel free to add your candidates in the comment box, this list will undergo a revision on Christmas eve, once we get the good deeds invoice for these candidates from the North Pole.

1. Bappi Lahiri

Bappi da is the unanimous choice for the Nobel Peace Prize(and no he didn’t bribe us).

In these times of recession, Bappi da sets an example of courage by donning gold ornaments by hundreds. Rumour has it that Bappi da secretly donated gold to Cibola, the city of Gold.

All that glitters is not Bappi Lahiri – said an old monk once.

Bappi da is also an apostle of unity in diversity and has copied songs from almost all genres and countries thus bringing world music together. He and Pritam(a nominee for 2011 we promise) have done a remarkable service to the global music industry by plagiarizing songs by dozens.

Infact, Nicholas Cage’s next movie – National Treasure 3: The Hunt for the Walking Treasure is about finding Bappi Da who has been kidnapped by Al Fayeda, a dacoit outfit founded by Chaalis Chor of Ali Baba and Chaalis Chor fame.

Famous quotes: Hamara sab kuch gold ka hai

Keeping in mind his contribution to world music, hope in the times of recession and making Mithun Da the super-hero that he is, we nominate Bappi Da for the Nobel Peace Prize.

2. Sania Mirza

Sania Mirza is India’s answer to Rafael Nadal Maria Sharapova. When she is not playing Tennis, she’s busy empowering the Indian Women by selling TVS Scooty, making Tata Tea or selecting the color of her nose ring.

Sania is one of the major influences why a large number of girls are playing tennis in India (and a larger number of guys are watching it). She also showed her belief in the institution of marriage by marrying pretty early in her career, much to the chagrin of followers and stalkers.

But more than any of her personal achievement, Sania has contributed to the world peace movement by not throwing her racket even once in her tournaments. She never abused a line man/woman and didn’t threaten shove a tennis ball down anyone’s throat.

Despite being in severe pressure to perform, act in commercials and attend press conferences, she has never threatened the line umpires. Neither has she attacked any of the India TV and Aaj Tak reporters who always follow her to grab some controversial byte.

For her peaceful methods of protests and her commendable calm on the tennis court, we forward her name for the Nobel Peace Prize.

3. Arnab Goswami and Rajdeep Sardesai

Arnab and Rajdeep might belong to rival channels but their contribution to the world peace movement is immense.

Their concept of peace is simple –  Monotribe

Monotribe is a complex compound made from 3 parts diatribe and 1 part dialogue and which is disguised in the form of a monologue.

Their modus operandi is similar:

Bring a fire-breathing, thesaurus-spitting, opinionated-yet-confused celebrity/politician in a talk show – and don’t let them speak.

If you think this is an easy task, think again. It takes tremendous effort, exceptionally strong vocal cords, two bodyguards on the set, written permission from the NMS, a real-time speech editing software which converts all words resembling ‘Bombay’ to ‘Mumbai’ and much much more.

This and numerous other achievements(including a particular interview with a sentence like, ‘Can you look into my eyes and say it?’) make them a contender for World’s most coveted Peace prize.

4. Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley and JK Rowling

J K Rowling missed the Nobel prize for literature because she admitted in a press conference that Dumbledore is gay but she and her valiant trio deserve the Nobel Peace Prize.

If you are wondering why, here are some statistics:

a. No. of Words in Harry Potter books:

1. 1. Philosopher’s Stone- 76,944 words
   2. Chamber of Secrets – 85,141 words
   3. Prisoner of Azkaban – 107,253 words
   4. Goblet of Fire – 190,637 words
   5. Order of the Phoenix – 257,045 words
   6. Half-Blood Prince – 168,923 words
   7. Deathly Hallows – 204,796 word

b. Total No. of Pages: Approx. 4175

In these staggering volumes of sentences and stories, plots and sub-plots, kisses and tales of goats and more – Never once did the trio utter the Killing Curse.

Imagine the scenario: The Dark Lord is out there to kill this poor kid, all through seven books and eight movies and the dark lord ends up dead. But Harry Potter and his two best friends never, and we repeat for useless emphasis, never ever utter the killing curse.

Where else can you find a greater message of peace? When all around you, your family, your friends and your enemies are using the killing curse – these valiant three survive without using the ultimate weapon – the killing curse.

We must give them the Nobel Peace prize to teach countries a lesson – that just because you have nuclear weapons doesn’t mean that you have to use them.  You can go for peaceful methods of winning wars – like exchanging stupid politicians or by a shoe-throwing competition. The one that hits, wins the war. Or something like that. Why blow each other up?

Thus this committee forwards the names of Harry James Potter, Hermione Jean Granger, Ronald Bilius "Ron" Weasley and J K Rowling for the Nobel Peace Prize nominees.

5. A.Q. Khan

Now, this is controversial. Not many will agree with us when we nominate Dr. A. Q. Khan for the Nobel Peace Prize. But a little reasoning will see us through.

There are some men, who are misunderstood. And then there are some men who are grossly misunderstood. For example, Mr. Alfred Nobel. He invented the dynamite so that he can later invent the Nobel Peace Prize. Because you first invent the disease and then the antidote.  On the same lines lies the genius of Dr. A. Q. Khan.

Dr. Khan’s mission of peace is – Give nuclear weapons to all countries – by all we also mean countries like Vatican City, Monaco, Maldives, Malta, Barabados and others like Nuaru, Tuvalu, Liechtenstein, Palau(yes, these are countries) – nuclear weapons for all. Santa comes to town, baby!

How does this help Peace? Well, look at it this way – Now every country has a nuclear weapon, so nobody will use it. Come on, you never hit your neighbour if he has the same baseball bat that you have. You never threaten your wife with money if she is earning too. On the same lines, once everybody has a nuclear weapon, it becomes common. Like a washing machine or an iphone.

This brings the nuclear hullabaloo to rest. Nobody cares. Keep your weapons to yourself – We have Rakhi Sawant. And what greater peace than peace of mind. Now George Bush can sleep because there ARE weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. And Pakistan. And India. And every other country. Who knows, there must be a few on the moon too.

And come on, if we can give a Nobel Prize to Yasser Arafat and a nomination to Adolf Hitler, Dr. Khan more than deserves a nomination.

Q.E.D

6. Manmohan Singh:

To be fair, we included Dr. Manmohan Singh’s name because there were no politicians on our list. And looking at the previous winners of the Nobel Peace Prize, you have a better chance of winning if you are a politician(more if you are a secretary of state or a president).

Prize or no prize, Dr. Manmohan Singh is an apostle of peace. Sample this:"

• Pakistan returns our dossiers for inquiry on 26/11 once every week but he is still at peace.
• China will soon claim that Lakshadweep, Andaman and Nicobar and even Sri Lanka belongs to it but he is still at peace.
• The US is playing ping pong of fraandsheep with India and he is still at peace.
• Indians are being roughed up in Australia and Foreigners are being raped and abused in India but he is at peace.

Can you be more peaceful than that? The only time he lost his cool was when Mr. Advani shouted slogans against him from adsense banners all over the internet. But we’ll ignore that ‘mild’ outburst of his because even while replying to Mr. Advani, Dr. Singh was mild and peaceful.

Who can deserve it more than Dr. Manmohan Singh, we say?

7. Ev and Biz

It is high time that the Nobel Peace prize was awarded to a geek. We demand an explanation as to why there isn’t a category for Nobel Prize for software or Nobel Prize for hardware?

Since there was no Windows 3.11(and no BSoDs) during Alfred Nobel’s time, we’ll not question his will. What we can do is nominate geeks to the other Nobel Prizes. For example, Apple was nominated for the Nobel prize for Literature for writing the Ipod Nano 4th Generation User Guide(which co-incidentally forgets to mention the video formats compatible with the device).

But Ev and Biz truly deserve the Nobel Peace Prize for creating Twitter.

Now before you begin your I-love-facebook-twitter-sucks-bigtime-will-you-fraandsheep-me-i-will-shove-a-failwhale-up-your-you-know-what tirades against twitter, Sample this:

Where else will you find a better bitching, cribbing, mud-slinging, thong-hurtling platform to share your opinion?

What better way to complain about everything that is wrong with the world(and forget everything that is wrong with you)?

Just protect your updates, don’t accept requests from people you know(your boss or your wife for exmple) and there you go – crib away to glory!

Twitter is actually responsible for a lot of peace in the world. You hate your boss, tweet this and that gets retweeted five times. Now you feel happy that six people hate your boss and in your happiness you forget that your boss just screwed you in the latest performance appraisal. But you are happy – Twitter makes people happy.

Add to it nude bots, teeth whitening bots, bots who retweet you unconditionally and you have a whole new life!

And then when your social life is being affected by twitter a DDoS attack or a failwhale comes across to tell you – enough twittering for a while, loser! Get a life.

Twitter is the answer to everything!

*The End*

Image Credits:

Bappi Da in Gold
Arnab for PM!!!
Rajdeep in full glory
Sania Mirza in that cheeky tshirt
JKR with the Harry, Ron and Hermione
Mr. A. Q. Khan